The Women Who Contribute To Rape

Trigger warning: Sexual assault, victim-blaming

I know what happened isn’t normal. I couldn’t even feel what was happening to my own body, but I was sober and a virgin. How do I explain that?

Being violated is so much more different than anything I’ve experienced. At one point, all I could do was mumble and stutter. I couldn’t even get an actual word out immediately after he got off of me. I was able to see what was happening to my body but couldn’t feel any of it to the point where I didn’t even believe that was happening. I denied and denied as he was on top of me. I kept wondering why this was happening to me—I didn’t agree to this, it wasn’t what we talked about doing. 

I was 19. Nobody ever talked to me about sex or consent. I confided in a relative whose judgement I trusted. She became the first that I talked to about sex and consent. She managed to convince me, for months, that what happened was not rape and consent was not important. She told me every reason I needed to hold myself accountable for what he did to me. She, just like many women, contribute to rape. Boys know this—they use it to their advantage. They will always be defended if they establish some sort of relationship with their victim before raping them.

When things like this happen, people just call it sex or say “you were taken advantage of,” but what does it mean to “take advantage” of someone? And what is actually being raped, then? If I say no and tell them flat out that I don’t want to have sex and they acknowledge what I say, but turn around and do what I told them not to do, is it rape? If every single one of my rejections were ignored, is it rape? Do I have to fight to call it rape?

If I have to fight, then that must mean no doesn’t mean no. But it should. If it doesn’t result to “physical” violence, is it rape? But being JUST “taken advantage of” physically hurts. To have someone steal my body left me feeling what I would call an out-of-body experience. My mind ran rampant and my body was disconnected from me. I saw him use my body and do the exact thing I told him not to. When he gave it back, I still couldn’t feel anything—nothing felt real and I was in shock. He did the exact thing he told me he would NOT do; he expressed that he understood I did NOT want to have sex with him, but then showed me he lied.

I felt bad. I felt guilty for not being able to protect myself like I said I would. Maybe my body knew best? Maybe it was better that I froze up, maybe it avoided any “real” abuse from happening. Having someone violate your body and dismiss everything you clearly communicated and told them that you did not want makes you feel beneath them. What I said did not matter; how I felt did not matter. He fully acknowledged everything I told him, but he felt entitled to have me. I left no room for him to assume that I would want the things I told him no about. He got away with raping once before, which I found out about later, and now me. He feels entitled to have what he wants.

Not only did the women in my family defend him, but I soon learned many women have the same mentality when it comes to rape as my relatives. I wanted help the night this happened to me; I called a woman I had known my entire life. Since I never had sex with anyone before, at one point, she thought maybe I was curious. She told me that I was definitely taken advantage of, but rape is a little different. It was “almost” rape, but just not quite. She told me I should have continuously said no, then that would have made it rape. Stating my disinterest in sexual intercourse prior is not enough, it must be during. However, I had to say it sternly enough so he knew I meant no. Since I froze, how was he supposed to know I did not want it?

She tried to compare her sexual experiences with what happened to me. She told me sometimes she just lies there when she has sex with her husband, but she still wanted it. She used this excuse as to why he couldn’t have known that I didn’t want it. She told me he is just an untrained male, he didn’t know any better, and besides, a lot of girls actually want sex. She told me boundaries can’t exist when it comes to sexual acts, because even just agreeing to kissing or whatever the boundary can equal to agreeing to intercourse to a boy. She asked me, “What boy do you know will actually follow through with boundaries?“ She said even though he acknowledged everything I said, he lied; boys lie and I should’ve known. In my defense, I hadn’t done sexual activities before him, so why assume I’d know?

My own family defended him. So many excuses were made for him, you’d think he was the victim. She even told me a boy’s end goal is sexual intercourse, that they’ll do anything to get it. I even had another female relative explain to me that a man just has to release himself, ejaculate, so I should not have expected him to follow through with my boundaries. She told me they can’t hold it in like women can, as if it is some need for their life. They genuinely believe that men can’t control their hormones, but women can. I was told I shouldn’t even expect a boy to gain my consent for sex, because it’ll almost never happen.

It wasn’t until I started journaling that I realized how ridiculous the things they told me are. Not only did the things they told me hurt, but when they tried to relate it to the Bible, it made things worse. That however, is another story. As far as what he did, maybe one day I’ll have the courage to share what happened. Knowing the truth, there is no excuse I can ever make for what he did to me. Making excuses only defend him and contribute to sexual abuse, and I refuse to do that.