The Worst Part Is, I’d Let You Break My Heart All Over Again

My only experience with heartbreak was when I was young. I didn’t have a job or any responsibilities, all I could do was lay in bed for weeks, waiting on a call that would never come. I didn’t think it could ever get worse than that, but somehow it did. 

Because now I have to walk away from a relationship I thought I would be in forever, and I can’t convince the world to just stop spinning for a minute just give me a day to breathe. There is no bereavement leave, to grieve a failed relationship. There is no amount of being told “it just takes time” or “you’ll laugh about this some day” that can stop the sky from falling around me. 

There is nothing I can do to pause this pain, or give me a break. I can’t help but wonder, now that I know this feeling, how does everyone else do it? Am I simply not as strong as everyone else, or was this something bigger, that they’ve never felt before? I just can’t convince myself that anyone has ever felt this low, and is still standing. 

I asked myself if there’s ever such a thing as a second love, because my god, who would ever put themselves through this twice? Who the hell can ever heal from this and find it in them to fall in love with someone else? I’m not sure that’s even possible. I don’t think I’ll ever love someone else this hard.

But the worst part is, I’d let you do it again. Because if I’m never able to love another soul like this again, why shouldn’t I? I would take an eternity of this pain for one more chance to get things right this time. I would fall in love with you in every lifetime; I would let you rip my heart out a million times and still put it back together to give to you. 

Maybe we’ll never get it right, but maybe I don’t care. Maybe I’d rather get it wrong with you than to ever move on. And maybe that’s what made us toxic, that we never were able to really quit. When things got bad, we just held on tighter, but eventually when you squeeze this tight, something is bound to snap. I guess I just didn’t see it coming. I thought love was enough to make up for the trust we lacked, and the trauma we carried into an innocent new love, but it wasn’t. 

You can never say I didn’t try, though. We both know all I’ve done for the past year is try. Trying to be better for you, to be enough for you. I was pouring from an empty glass, and I guess I let it slip. And when it shattered, it took my heart with it. 

There’s a million things that could’ve gone better, but honestly, the only one I’d change is the ending. Because I’m in love with you, not some alternate version I could’ve created of you. I’m in love with everything you did wrong, every flaw and every scar. I’m in love with the you that loves me back and the you that someday won’t. I’m in love with you unconditionally, and if there ever was a right time, I’d let you break my heart again.