I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to give up. I feel lost. Like a ship lost out at sea with no direction and no destination.
Deep down, I want to be productive and do something for myself, but my brain feels jumbled and cloudy. My thoughts feel dark, and despite the amber, gold, and plum tones of late fall, everything appears as a shade of gray.
I do not want to feel this way. I am not seeking attention. I legitimately can tell something is going on in my head. My brain does not feel healthy.
From external observation, I am a high-functioning adult who goes to work and exercises daily. I pick up groceries, manage to do my laundry (sometimes it takes ages to fold) and shower.
Right now, I can only focus on a few things at a time. I have tried to read books or start crafting again, but I cannot focus my thoughts long enough to complete a task. I keep telling myself to suck it up and be better, but it is not that easy. I am extremely critical of myself and being the best version of myself. I always think I should be doing more, but that does not mean I can mentally handle anything more in my life during this phase.
I am not mentally weak or damaged. I am just having a rough time right now.
I have been to therapy in the past, but I am upset at myself for being in this place psychologically. I worry that the place I am in now will be more difficult to mentally recover from and establish a new level of health.
I am mad at myself for letting the tools I gained from therapy in the past wane during quarantine and the following months.
I am angry that I failed, and I feel weak for not being able to crawl out of this hole.
I recognize recovery is not a straight line and this dark place will always exist inside me. This will not become the main storyline in my life, only a part of my foundation.
I hope people can learn to relate to those they love and care about but do not understand how to help them. I recommend being there for them and understanding what “being there” is for that person. It could simply mean sitting on the couch with them and not talking while watching a movie, going to get takeout and eating it at home together, or going grocery shopping so they have a grounded person to talk to when they feel overwhelmed with being at the store.
Picking up takeout, eating a meal in a restaurant, and grocery shopping are anxiety-inducing tasks. I would rather stay at home because people can be challenging. The times I have decided to leave my home turn into the instances that I run into people who are unkind or rude. I wish people would maintain a level of neutral energy that can empathize with others and their social struggles.
Remember, everyone you encounter daily is dealing with something. Don’t let your interaction become part of the reason someone gives up. Be kind to people.
I am trying to cultivate kindness for myself. I am currently working on my mental health and attempting to stop blaming myself for the negativity in my life.
I am developing and reestablishing the tools (a compass) to rebuild my mental health to a level where I can go back out into the world without feeling so lost.
I believe in you. I hope you believe in you too.