This Is How You Know It’s Time To Break Up With A Friend

Two months ago or so, I broke up with my best friend of nine years. There wasn’t some majorly explosive reason like her kissing my husband or putting me down in front of others. She didn’t steal from me or commit crimes. She just refused to grow as a person. I mean, she brought a lot of her childish behavior into adulthood. There were many things about her that annoyed me, like the way her life only really consisted of work, video games, and sleep. Or her general “bare minimum” attitude. Or even the way she asked for favors all the time. Those aren’t what really did it for me, though. People have flaws and quirks and that’s okay. But when their flaws and quirks start impacting people in a negative way, it’s time to reconsider.

If you’re wondering whether or not you should break up with a friend, consider these questions carefully.

1. Are they an honest person? Does their level of integrity match what you are okay with? Do they do what’s right to avoid consequences or because it’s actually the right thing?

2. How do they respond when you have a problem, either with them or with someone else? Do they tune you out? If they’re tired of your problems, do they let you know that they don’t have the energy to listen? Do they minimize what you have going on or tell you you’re just sensitive/overreacting? Are they willing to put in the work when things aren’t rainbows and butterflies?

3. When you set boundaries with them, do they seem to be able to remember what you told them? Does it seem like they care about respecting you or does it seem like they think your boundaries are ridiculous? Do you find yourself having the same conversations over and over? Do they try to learn more about you so that the lines become clearer? Do they take initiative and apologize/change when they mess up or do they try and justify their bad behavior? Do they compromise with you?

4. Do they initiate contact without ulterior motives? Does it seem like they only want to talk when they need something? Are you convenient for them or do they really care about you? Do they turn it back to themselves whenever they lose interest in listening to you? Do you feel like the only one who cares?

5. Does this person bring you more stress than joy? This one can be tricky. Sometimes we feel stressed by someone because we don’t want to be corrected in our faulty ways. Other times, the other person is too stubborn to change their bad behavior and brings down our self-esteem. You may need to seek an unbiased third party for clarity on this.

6. Are they racist, sexist, homophobic, bigoted, etc. Do they compare things as petty as mask mandates to the Holocaust? Do they minimize a seriously oppressive event in order to amplify their woes over something that just isn’t convenient?

7. Do their morals line up with yours? Do they think it’s okay to call out sick from work so they can hang out with friends? Do they think revenge is okay and does that line up with your views? If they never changed their minds on certain issues, would you be okay with that? Do they respect your religion, even if they don’t follow it?

8. Do they rely on other people to make their life more convenient? Do they consider what other people may have going on or do they only think about themselves? Do they ask you to pick up after them when they’re reckless with finances? Do they prioritize their life in a responsible way?

9. Are they loyal? Do they stand up for you when people talk badly about you (like petty gossip)? Do they talk badly behind your back or do they simply have frustrations that they need to vent so they can approach you in a healthy way?

10. Is their behavior genuinely bothering you or just annoying you? Do they make you feel like you have to compromise your own character by staying friends with them?

Friendships are important to our well-being. It is so important to choose our friends wisely. Having friends who aren’t responsible may influence us to make poor choices ourselves. My ultimate test for whether or not I should be friends with someone is this: “By being friends with this person, I condone everything that makes them who they are. Is this person someone that I am okay endorsing exactly the way they are?”