This Is Me Finally Choosing To Release You

It’s been five years since you walked out of my life.

Five years of silence, tears, and sleepless nights.

Five years of anxiety, insecurities, and confusion.

But most importantly, it’s been five years without you. 

You came into my life when I needed someone the most. You became my safe haven in the midst of all the chaos that had surrounded me but left when I needed you the most. I remember the day when it finally hit me that you weren’t coming back. The pain I felt in my chest was one that I had experienced for the first time then, and one that I haven’t experienced since. The moment where I realized I would forever drown in your silence stays forever ingrained in memory. 

Throughout these five years I have watched from afar as you’ve continued on living your life, embracing new experiences, new love, and life. I convinced myself that if you were happy without me, then I could do the same. But unconsciously my mind would always drift back to you as I continued to fight an endless battle between remembering and forgetting. 

Oddly enough, our paths crossed again just as it did five years ago—unexpectedly, in the exact same place and at the exact same time. As a cruel irony of fate, the same chaos that had surrounded me then had reappeared into my life. You smiled at me as if nothing had happened and I watched you extend your hand in friendship. You gave me a million explanations and apologies for why you left without giving me the one simple truth I needed in order to be set free.

I was not worth fighting for.

I have never held grudges against you, rather have been a silent well wisher all these years. Even now, knowing that I wasn’t worth it, I still wish you well. Part of me had foolishly hoped one day we would end up together, but I know now that we will never be. Not because of our ages, backgrounds, or families, but because I will never be a priority for you. The truth is, I never was.

They say it is better to have loved than to have not loved at all. But in our case, I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with you. Flashbacks to those endless nights trapped in tears and confusion remind me of how much pain you brought into my life and the impact it continues to have.  Because the way you left me continues to haunt me in every relationship I attempt to pursue. I fear that they will all leave me just as you did. I fear that the trauma and scars I carry will be a burden to everyone I meet, just like it was for you. I fear that I’ll be replaceable and forgettable just as you made me feel. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t fought for us as hard as I did. Because the truth is, you didn’t care. 

Getting over you has continued to be one of the biggest battles I fight with myself.  Some days it’s easier, others it’s harder. But for the first time since you left, I’ve realized that the closure I need can never come from you. No matter how many explanations you give, apologies you speak, or new promises you make, my healing has to start with me. 

I am beautiful, successful, driven, compassionate, dedicated, and a force to be reckoned with. I love who I have become over the years and my resilience is my greatest attribute. Though I know that I will continue to struggle with relationships, I’ve come to understand that I was not worth fighting for in your case, but that doesn’t mean every case will be like ours. 

After five years I’ve finally realized that the closure I needed to move on didn’t need to come from you, but it was something that needed to come from within myself. I always thought that falling in love with someone else was the only way to get over you. But after many failed relationships, I now know that all I needed to do was to stop trying to fall out of love with you and instead fall in love with myself—a process that has been anything but linear. But then again, heartbreak is anything but linear, rather, a journey of different seasons, each with valuable reflections. 

After five years, I finally feel like I’m in a season where I can move forward into a future that does not need to include you. One that I can embrace myself in the warmth of self-love, confidence, gratitude, and grace. I know that the process of loving myself will indeed continue to be a process, and it will continue to be tested as I form new relationships and embrace new beginnings. But I’m confident that as I step into this new phase of my journey, my only intention will be in attracting only what is meant to serve my highest intentions. 

So, this is me releasing you. With all the love that I have, and all the love that I am, I release you.