This Year, I’m Choosing To Have Faith

Faith, for me, is the easiest human component that can easily be swayed by any human experience. I’m saying human because our day-to-day roles and conditions are influenced by our individual emotions and state of being. I’m saying human because I am, without a doubt, flawed as much as the next person.

It all began in late 2021 when I was spiraling down a toxic emotional gravel path. The relationship with my ex who was, at the time, in the United States, was hitting the gas pedal — going about 100 mph until, eventually, it hit a brick wall before exploding in unrecoverable shards. With the benefit of hindsight, I know I could have done better. Again, I’m only factoring in my own experience because I can only speak for myself. But…yeah. I know I could have handled the whole situation better than I did. But that was beside the point. The result of this crash in one component in my life threw me off balance and stirred thoughts that made me question a lot of things. But none more than I questioned my faith.

Fast forward to February 2022. Just as when I was starting to come back to the world of the living, I met someone who, in many respects, was perfect for me. Or so I believed he was. We went out numerous times and in the middle of the night pretended to be Bonnie and Clyde — hiding our little crime of being involved with each other’s lives from people who might speculate. Everything was going well…until it wasn’t. And so I started questioning fate and God on why He or She needed to send someone my way only to break me more than I was already broken. I questioned whether the prayers I whispered were heard not by God but by some other gods who only bring misfortune to anyone.

Faith (n.): complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

I questioned whether I was too naïve to consider that the time apart could have been used for more fruitful things instead of worrying about what could have been. He repeatedly told me that we both have our individual lives to mind and cultivate while we’re apart; was I too immature to take his words with a grain of salt? More importantly, did I put him in such high regard that I blocked my own progress in the relationship in order to build his pedestal instead of building a singular platform for both of us while growing individually?

I questioned my faith in a Higher Being. I questioned whether He or She was being selfish, stubborn to give me what I wanted, deliberately deaf, or simply ignoring me. I questioned whether he designed my life to be this miserable, unfulfilled, insecure, and uneventful when it could be helped. I questioned and questioned until I no longer wanted to question Him or Her. I simply stopped communicating. Radio silence was my response to His or Her own communication blackout.

Was I being unfair, though? Was I being emotionally irrational? Was I being childish? Was I nursing a wound when I questioned and questioned, when in the past, I know He or She manifested His or Her presence in my life without a doubt? Do I have such a fickle mind and heart to easily dismiss the real-life evidence of the Divine’s existence simply because I was led to a path of emotional crash twice within five months?

My friends believe that I am. At least, the friends who really matter, whose opinions I value. In their opinion, it was unfair to deduce the presence of God in my life to be nothing simply because I got my heart broken. It was an unfair assessment of the Divine’s existence in my life because I didn’t get the happy ending I was praying for. To them, this is just a major subversion to get me to where God or fate has planned for me.

Maybe they are right. Maybe I did allow my emotions to dictate the way I see my faith in God. Maybe voicing it out months after those two heartbreaks I experienced and what came after helped inject some sense into my bruised belief system. Maybe the challenge to me now is how I can turn this pain, this insecurity, this bruised ego, and this healing into a powerful conversion of faith. A faith that is stronger than before powered by hope.

Maybe the next few months of 2023 are challenging me to look at life from both sides now. Maybe realizing these things is getting me closer to that intended path. I guess we shall see and see whether faith, no matter how easily it can be swayed by human experience, can be swayed towards a better and hopeful path.