We Need To Pick The Bar Up Off The Floor (And Stop Lopsided Relationships)

You know what the lopsided relationship feels like. You’re excited to be with this person, and you’re falling hard. But with time, it’s becoming clear that they’re not as into as you as you are them. You leave sweet texts, you make them food, you get dressed up for dates. Then when he finally does something for you, like taking the trash out without being asked, you get that little glimmer of hope that he’s what you want him to be.

Here’s the thing: We talk about raising the bar for potential partners. They need to exhibit a certain level of interest and respect before you can even think about being together. If you look around, it isn’t about just raising the bar. No girl, that bar is placed firmly on the floor. It’s so rooted to the ground with strangling vines that you’ll need diamond-encrusted sheers just to pry it up from the soil.

So let’s make some vows. Never again will we accept the bare minimum. We’re raising the bar, and here’s how:

We’ll know what we want out of a relationship.

You can’t find the right person if you don’t know what you want. The best way to avoid the bare minimum is to have a picture in your head of what you want your relationship and partner to be like. This includes the level of communication and attention you need. Don’t listen to the people who say you need to be “less picky.” Wanting a conscientious and loving partner isn’t being picky. That should be the standard.

We’ll be clear about what we want.

Knowing what you want and voicing it are two different things. If you keep writing things like “down for whatever” or “just looking for a partner in crime,” that vaguery is going to keep the shitty guys banging down your door. List your love languages, say if you want or don’t want kids, mention that you like romance in your relationship. Sure, this’ll weed out a lot of people, but isn’t that what you want?

We won’t applaud the bare minimum.

One of the reasons why so many guys only do the bare minimum is because they get so much praise when they end up doing the littlest things. Then they get away with doing absolutely nothing for so long. Say it with me: Being nice is the baseline. Not being abusive is the standard, and not something anyone should receive a medal for. Applaud the truly amazing behavior, and not the stuff he should be doing anyway.

We’ll accept that “not enough” is a perfectly fine reason to break up.

I often see people accepting that their partner isn’t doing what they want. They figure that there’s nothing else they’re doing that’s bad, so they don’t break up. But are you happy? Is he really enough? If he isn’t enough for you, that’s a very good reason to break up. You don’t have to be with him. You could be with anyone. Don’t fall into the trap of believing this is the best you can do.

We’ll be comfortable alone.

When you raise your standards and pick the bar up off the floor, you’ll find that there’s a lot fewer people available to date. That’s fine. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. Again, being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. So get comfortable while you wait for the one. Because it will totally be worth the wait.