What You Should Finally Get Around To Doing Once Twitter Dies, Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Aries
Actually write that novel, rather than tweeting about how you’re “totally gonna be a bestseller one day.” Your wordcount has been stuck a 1,667 for the last three years.
Taurus
Go about your business. You didn’t care about Twitter. If you even had an account, which is doubtful, your last tweet was in 2013 anyway. Life goes on as it always did. You won’t be missed.
Gemini
Your secret BTS stan account could live on over at Tumblr if you’re down to hang out with the dozen or so people who are still using it. They’ll love your Jimin fancams.
Cancer
Use your billions to end world hunger and help climate change, Elon.
Oh, and if you’re not Elon, you can just post “look how amazing my life is now” pictures on Instagram to replace subtweeting your ex from five years ago.
Leo
Start that Twitter alternative you’ve been talking about. And, when it fails to get more than a dozen downloads (thanks friends and fam!), you can move on from the idea that you’ll be the next Dr. Twitter.
Virgo
Honestly, throw your whole phone in the trash. Get one of those flip phones they keep selling to the elderly who don’t understand “this new-fangled technology.” Oh how productive you’ll be without it!
Libra
Channel the late-’90s leather-clad riot girls and make a zine or something. Twitter didn’t appreciate your crunchy granola aesthetic anyway.
Scorpio
Take your flame wars to the streets. All the energy you spent warring with people on twitter could be used for fighting for causes IRL. Yeah, I know getting out of the house and on the street with a picket sign in your hand takes energy, but, like, what else is there?
Sagittarius
Without Twitter, maybe you can actually enjoy your adventures and travel without having to constantly think about how you’ll tweet about it. Wow, look, the world exists beyond your phone.
Capricorn
Here’s my homework for you: Post a selfie on Instagram that actually shows reality. Not the shiny faux reality you were always posting and tweeting. You’re a real person with flaws, I hate to break it to you. (No, I don’t.)
Aquarius
Poor you. Whenever you put effort into your Twitter, your follower account just stayed at 5 (two friends and three bots). Just face it that your vibes are pre-smartphone old-fashioned. You’d find a better audience befriending the guy who feeds stale bread to pigeons at the park.
Pisces
Without Twitter, you can lift your head and actually see the concerts you go to. Like, with your eyes. Then again, you’ll probably still have your phone up to livestream footage of Harry Styles doing his little shimmy dance that no one will watch anyway.