What Your ‘Stranger Things’ Season 4 Crush Says About You

Are you caught up with the new season of Stranger Things and currently crushing on one of the characters? Me too. Now you can know what your Stranger Things crush means about you. Very mild spoilers ahead.


Stevie Boy is a classic. / Stranger Things

You’re attracted to the hairy-chested ladies’ man with a heart of gold. While you’ve certainly got good taste, you’re also a bit basic. You aren’t here for people’s quirks–you just want the fairytale romance you’d find in a teen rom-com from the ’90s. If your Stranger Things crush is Steve, you probably wished you were popular in high school and continue that fantasy well into adulthood. Just remember, guys like Steve like people across a wide range of interests, so you don’t have to keep trying so hard to fit a mold. Just be your basic self.


Fs in the chat for Nancy’s Season 4 style. / Stranger Things

You’re attracted to the serious type with a secret badass side. Sure, Nancy has a bit of a stick up her ass–especially in Season 4–but she’ll also do absolutely anything to help the people she loves. If your Stranger Things crush is Nancy, you’re always looking for your equal–and have a tough time finding them. Your standards are ultra high and all your friends say you should lower them. Screw that noise. You wait for the one and enjoy being single while you do it.


Jonathan is the quintesseial stoner sad boy. / Stranger Things

In previous seasons, he was the misunderstood artist who only came off a little creepy. In Season 4? Jonathan’s mostly just a sad stoner who’s sitting back and watching while the world burns. If your Stranger Things crush is Jonathan, you have a habit of picking sad guys who you hope you can change. Has it worked so far? Nope. But you’re stubborn and will keep trying. And that’s a shame because you deserve someone who’s awesome right off the bat.


Argyle has better hair than all of us. / Stranger Things

Argyle has the same stoner vibes as Jonathan with one key difference: This newcomer is filled to the brim with infectious positivity. At least with him, you’ll know you’re probably in for a good time. If your Stranger Things crush is Argyle, you’re not into serious relationships and are perfectly happy never getting past the 3-month mark with any of your partners. Your friends judge you for it, but what do they know? (Okay, maybe they actually have a point. Self-reflection time!)


Poor Robin got the Nancy makeover. / Stranger Things

There are no awkward silences with Robin. In fact, there’s no silence whatsoever. With her, you’re getting sassy quips and a lifelong friend who’d do anything for you. Let’s just hope you’re awesome enough to deserve her, because few people are good enough. If your Stranger Things crush is Robin, you’re a bit of an introvert who thrives most when you’re adopted by the group extrovert. You’re content to just watch the people around you as they shine. Because of that, you’re beloved among your friends. It’s always nice to have the supportive introvert around.


Eddie can DM our DnD any day. / Stranger Things

He’s got the kind of bombastic personality that would make a great dungeon master for DnD. He doesn’t get embarrassed…unless it comes to his mysteriously stained mattress. But the love of heavy metal hides the fact that he’s got a heart of gold. He’s like Steve, but significantly less basic. If your Stranger Things crush is Eddie, you fall for the performer because you’re much more comfortable in the audience of life. You don’t go for your dreams but applaud the people who do. Your life is ruled by fear and the imposter syndrome. Channel some of Eddie’s confidence and get out there and do what you want.

The Orderly

Don’t get caught in the Orderly’s eyes for too long or there’s no turning back. / Stranger Things

He seems so nice. He’s there for Eleven when no one else is. He keeps her safe from the bullies and even lets her know not to trust “Papa.” But some people aren’t what they seem. If you’re caught up with the entire season and the Orderly is still your Stranger Things crush, you’ve got some serious inner trauma to figure out. You always end up picking the wrong people despite your friends trying to talk sense into you. You miss all the very obvious warning signs because you’re too starry-eyed to notice. Best be single for a while, because your taste is trash.


Find you someone who’ll break you out of prison like Joyce. / Stranger Things

Winona Ryder has been the GOAT since the ’80s, and for good reason. She’s gorgeous, and as Joyce she’s full of fierce tenacity. She’ll do anything for the people she loves, including infiltrating a Russian prison. She’s the badass we all hope to be when we’re her age. If your Stranger Things crush is Joyce, you have a savior fetish. You’re looking for your white knight to come save you, because you’re too focused on the fantasy to save yourself.


Nothing beats Murray, the bearded blackbelt nerd. / Stranger Things

He’s a nerd who seems to be all talk. He’s just a paranoid weirdo, right? Then why are his theories almost always correct? And his blackbelt skills immaculate? That’s because he’s the badass he promises to be. If your Stranger Things crush is Murray, you like them bearded, nerdy, and capable. You’ll also happily fight anyone who so much as mildly disrespects the people you love. In fact, people are kind of afraid of you, but, you know, in a good way.


If you got taken in by Yuri, I’ll understand. / Stranger Things

Sure, he’s funny. He’s got a smile that could light up a whole Russian bi-plane. And check out that mustache. I get it. But you’d never be able to trust him. If your Stranger Things crush is Yuri, you know you have bad taste and you frankly don’t care. You’re not even down to try and change him–you just like the adventure of it all. Maybe it’s because you’re a little toxic, too.

Dr. Brenner

Please, no. / Stranger Things

Oh honey, no. If your Stranger Things crush is Dr. Brenner, you need to seriously take a long hard look at your upbringing. Honestly, I worry for your love life. Know that your taste is trash and that if you ever start crushing on someone with “Papa” energy IRL, run away as fast as you can. You’re a danger to yourself and others.


There’s more to say about you if you don’t crush on Hopper. / Stranger Things

Let’s face it: Who doesn’t have a crush on Hopper? While Dr. Brenner gives the bad dad energy, Hopper is the person who you’d feel privileged to have in your corner. And that beard? The dad bod? Immaculate. If your Stranger Things crush is Hopper, you’re just as basic as the people who love Steve. But you know what? Since when was being basic a bad thing? Go find your IRL bearded zaddy.