When Someone Hurts Or Disappoints You, It’s Okay To Take It Personally

Every time I was ghosted, every time someone canceled a date, every time my heart was broken, I tried so hard to live by the advice “Don’t take it personally.”

But I just couldn’t do it. The harder I tried, the more anxious and upset I became.

That’s when I began to take issue with the phrase “Don’t take it personally.”

For one thing, the inherent message is this: Swat away your emotions after you’ve been rejected or otherwise treated poorly in a relationship.

This is not healthy, and here’s why. Think of yourself holding a beach ball underwater in the ocean. The longer you press it under, the more tired you get. Before long, it comes rocketing up through the surface of the water and maybe even smacks you right in the face.

This is what happens when you suppress negative emotions. You try to overcome your sadness, anxiety, frustration, or anger by keeping them under the surface of your conscious thoughts. But they only “splash” back with an upward force that is more damaging and intrusive than the original emotion. You end up feeling drained and exhausted.

Emotions have energy that pushes up for expression, and to suppress them because you’ve been told to not take something personally only creates more anxiety and depression. To heal from whatever happened in a relationship, you must experience the full force of emotions that go along with your story. So, remind yourself that it is okay to take something personally and really let yourself feel what you are feeling.

Yes, I get the logic behind “Don’t take it personally.” It is supposed to protect your self-esteem from taking a huge hit. After all, not everything that happens is about you (but honestly it might be—no one is perfect). Rather, his bad behavior reflects everything about him—so don’t take it personally, right?

But wait a minute. Navigating the often rough or murky waters of relationships is where you’re going to spend a lot of your life—yet you’re not supposed to take what happens in those relationships personally?

You’re not supposed to feel angry, upset, or depressed when someone disrespects you or treats you like crap? You’re supposed to accept that behaviors like ghosting are an okay way to treat other human beings?

You should take this stuff personally, especially when you feel you had a connection with someone! After all, relationships are personal. How can they not be?

So be disappointed. Be frustrated. Be sad, angry, or upset.

Take all the time you need to process your emotions. Whether you were together for a few months or for a long time, you have the right to feel the intensity of your complicated emotions. Let yourself cry, hit a pillow, or hide under your covers. You will actually get over the hurt faster if you do take it personally!

At the same time, don’t beat yourself up over the situation. Don’t overly project this as a failure that represents your value and worth as a person. Your life is not defined by being ghosted, canceled on, or heartbroken.

Accept the fact that in relationships, you will get hurt along the way. You will be disappointed, be let down, and sometimes wonder if it is worth it. But what really is the alternative? To not love at all so as to never give your heart to another person? Surely not. To not take it personally so as to never feel emotions? Surely not.

This is your life. For the sake of your physical and mental health, take it—all of it—personally.