Zodiac Signs Ranked From Best to Worst Tippers
This article is not meant to be taken seriously and is simply for FUN. And FYI, I’m actually a good tipper but I ranked myself very low just to poke fun at my sign. Enjoy!
(April 20 – May 20)
You feel that you can tell a lot about a person’s character by how well they treat service workers. That miserable server’s job you had one summer as a teenager gave you a lifelong respect for what these hapless laborers are forced to endure. They put food on other people’s tables just so they can afford to put food on their own. You empathize with the fact that they deal with insults, snobs, prima donnas, and a disgusting level of unsolicited flirting. You sometimes tip as much as the total cost of the meal—often even more. You’re such a good tipper that when servers at your favorite restaurant see you walk in, they aren’t above coming to blows just to get assigned your table.
(March 21 – April 19)
In many ways, you are a server’s nightmare. You’re the type of person who will send back the appetizer three times until the chef gets the temperature and spices right. Sometimes you’ll squabble about the price of items. You’re always asking for substitutions even if the menu clearly states NO SUBSTITUTIONS. But knowing that you’re a pain, you tip according to just how much of a nuisance you were during the meal. And since you’re a tremendous pain to the server, you’re also a tremendous tipper.
(May 21 – June 20)
You’ve worked hard all your life, so you empathize with workers. You started out toiling in thankless service jobs, so you know how infuriating many customers can be. This is why you always tip at least 20%. Mostly, though, you base your tip on how friendly and accommodating the server is. If they went that extra mile to ensure that your dining experience was pleasurable and stress-free, you will honor their efforts with extra cash. But even if your server was as rude and gruff as many of your customers were back when you were working service jobs, you will never tip less than 20%. To give anything less would feel like a sin.
(August 23 – September 22)
You tip well, although sometimes you forget to tip entirely. The fact that you forget to tip on rare occasions has nothing to do with being a cold and ruthless slave-driver and everything to do with the fact that you’re ridiculously busy and a little scatterbrained by nature. You’re actually a very nice and empathetic person. Proof of this is the fact that on the rare occasions where you were so preoccupied with other matters that you forgot to tip, you will return to the restaurant to track down the server and shove a wad of cash into their hands.
(June 21 – July 22)
You hardly ever tip based on the server’s performance or amiability. Instead, you tip based solely on your mood. Unfortunately for servers, you can be a very moody Crab. If they catch you in a good mood, you’ll leave a tip big enough to qualify you as a philanthropist. But if they are unlucky enough to get assigned your table when you’ve had a rotten day, they will also wind up in a rotten mood after discovering that they didn’t make a penny after patiently catering to your grumpiness/hanger.
(November 22 – December 21)
You tip based on the server’s performance, especially their attitude. Were they friendly? Solicitous? Cold? Condescending? Did they get your order right? Did they frequently stop by to top off your beverages? Did they pretend not to see you when you were waving them over to ask a question? Did they flatter you? Did they laugh at your jokes? The amount of your tip never has anything to do with the quality of the food. Instead, it’s totally related to how good (or bad) the server made you feel about yourself. You hate being ignored, and if you feel that the server ignored you, you will reciprocate by not even leaving them a tip.
(September 23 – October 22)
As far as tippers go, the scales of justice place you right in the middle of the pack. You always use a tip calculator to give exactly 15%. Your tips are never based on the server’s attitude and performance. It doesn’t matter if you received world-class service or service that would be lousy even for a prison chow hall—it’s the same robotic 15% every time. If restaurants merely added an automatic 15% gratuity to meals, it would make your dining life that much easier.
(December 22 – January 19)
Although you may not like to admit it to yourself, you tip based almost entirely on the server’s attractiveness. This coincides with studies that claim female waitresses with large breasts get the biggest tips. It’s a shallow method for compensating a worker’s efforts, but since dining for you is primarily a sensual experience, you tip based on how pleasing your server is to your eyes. It’s an extremely superficial way of dealing with things, but you justify it by claiming it’s not your fault that someone’s unattractive. Someone needs to tell you that restaurants are not the same thing as strip clubs.
(July 23 – August 22)
You always give 10% because it’s easier to do the math for 10% than for 15% or 20%—all you have to do is move the decimal point, right? This is all part of your general pattern of taking the path of least resistance in life. Now, trust me when I say it’s neither my mission nor intent to call you a lazy, entitled slob. But you should realize that servers can also take the easy way out, especially if you’re a repeat customer who only ever tips 10%. If they associate you with bad tips, they may hesitate before even bringing you a menu or a glass of water. They may take their sweet time before taking your order. They may avoid you when you’re waving them over to ask for more dinner rolls. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to realize that most people treat you exactly the way you treat them.
(February 19 – March 20)
You favor the European model for servers, who are well-compensated with wages alone and hardly ever expect a tip. You favor the Euro-model even if you’re in America, where servers hardly make any wages and live almost entirely on tips. By placing the onus on employers to pay servers, you soothe your conscience for being a generally crappy tipper. It’s very convenient of you to favor the European model, but it’s also why American servers who’ve waited on you will roll their eyes when they get assigned your table.
(January 19 – February 18)
Based on the fact that you at least theoretically support a living wage for workers, you feign righteous anger when others don’t tip—but let’s be real about the fact you often don’t tip, either. A lot of times, you don’t even reach for the check. Other times, you pretend to be embarrassed that you “forgot” your wallet, which is a sly way for you to foist responsibility on your friends to cover the tab. You are quite the sneaky snake when it comes to tipping, which is why the holy forces of karma may one day place you in a position where you have no other employment options than to work as a server.
(October 23 – November 21)
You feel that access to food is a natural human right and should be free. You don’t even see why people need servers for their food. If it were up to you, you wouldn’t even pay for the meal, much less tip anyone. If it were up to you, every restaurant would be buffet style, and all servers would be unemployed. You are able to find a thousand different ideological excuses for why food should be free. Just like you don’t have to pay anyone for air, you say you shouldn’t have to pay anyone for food. I suppose that’s easier than simply admitting that you can be pretty darn cheap.