4 Concrete Signs You’re Struggling With Abandonment Issues

Abandonment issues is the experience of being terrified of losing, or being left by, loved ones. Abandonment issues can arise for a variety of reasons including trauma, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. If left untreated, abandonment issues can impact our relationships with others and ourselves in painful ways.

Here are four concrete signs you’re struggling with abandonment issues.

1. You need a lot of reassurance, especially after conflict.

Conflict is a normal component of relationships. Bridging two lives together is no easy feat. Being human is messy and issues are bound to arise, and this is totally okay.

But for you, it can be absolutely excruciating to get into a disagreement with someone you love. This may be because you were conditioned associate fights with others walking away from you. Even when the fight resolves, you still feel uneasy. You end up seeking a ton of reassurance after the fact, whether that is texting to check in or constantly asking if the other person is still upset.

2. You are a chronic people pleaser.

Because you’re so afraid of being left, you end up people pleasing in an attempt to make others happy (even at your own expense). You bend over backward for the people in your life because you are convinced that if you aren’t perfect or doing exactly what they want, they will leave you behind. It’s completely exhausting.

3. You’re terrified of intimacy.

If you have abandonment issues, you may also be terrified of intimacy. This can present in a number of ways, including having a hard time committing, leaving a relationship before you can be left, or picking emotionally unavailable partners.

4. You always blame yourself when things go wrong in your relationships.

Basically, everything that “goes wrong” in a relationship is on you. You take full responsibility for every tiff, road block, and frustration.

Not only is this a form of people pleasing, self-blame also is a means of feeling in control. Because if it’s always your fault, this means that you can change it and fix it. You think this is a a way you can prevent people from leaving. Ultimately, though, this method is maladaptive, and leads to unhealthy dynamics and lower self-esteem.