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4 Zodiacs That Should Only Drink Wine, Never Liquor (Or Beer)

If you’re drinking merely to get drunk, there’s very little difference between wine and other forms of booze. A five-ounce glass of wine has roughly as much alcohol as a 1.5-ounce shot of vodka or a 12-ounce can of beer. With wine, the alcohol enters your bloodstream more quickly than with beer but more slowly than with hard liquor, but if you keep drinking, yeah—you’ll get drunk with beer, wine, or liquor.

If you’re concerned about health, dietitians find that red wine, which is high in antioxidants, is the healthiest of all alcohols. It also has anti-inflammatory effects that other forms of alcohol don’t. Hard liquor is rougher on your heart and liver than wine. So is beer, which is also higher in carbs and is thus more fattening than wine.

More than anything, though, wine is a stylistic choice. Whether you’re celebrating something good about your life or fleeing from something bad, drinking wine is like dressing up for your grand walk down the red carpet on your way toward getting smashed.

Here are four zodiac signs who would benefit from drinking wine rather than beer or hard liquor.

Gemini: because wine keeps the Bad Twin in check

You drink to escape, which causes you to run from one group of problems into a whole new group of problems. But on that fateful morning when you wake up with a big lump on your head, look outside your front window, and ask, “How did my car’s radiator wind up on the outside of the front grille?,” maybe you realize it’s time for a softer approach to your drinking. Beer makes you too foul-mouthed, and hard liquor makes you forget the name of the person you just woke up next to in bed. Beer is a trailer park. Hard liquor is a penitentiary. Wine is a mansion. Choose wisely.

Cancer: because you get too emotional even when you’re sober

Do you remember the time you drank tequila with some strangers in the woods and then wound up in jail because you got into a fight after mistakenly thinking someone had insulted you? How about the time you chugged down a dozen or so pints of draft ale and then embarrassed all your friends at the karaoke bar by breaking down in tears in the middle of belting out an off-key version of “I Will Always Love You”? Drinking hard liquor or slamming beers to ease your emotional pain is like using a gun to kill a fly; sipping wine is more like a fly-swatter. Besides all that, most gourmets will tell you that wine is the best sort of alcoholic beverage to go along with Crab.

Sagittarius: because it’s better for you

You are celebrated for being the most curious, adventurous, and even daring sign in the zodiac. But taking too many risks can become, well, too risky. You’ve spent your life letting it all hang out, so now it’s time to tuck it all back in. Drinking wine is the alcoholic equivalent of when a sugar fiend switches to eating fruit instead of cheesecake—you still get your sugar fix, just not enough to kill you. It’s not a sign that you’ve become boring—only less crazy. You can’t afford to be crazy anymore. Plus, the “fruit of the grape” just sounds better than “the fruit of the potato” or “the fruit of the hops.” What the hell are “hops,” anyway?

Scorpio: because wine is more mysterious

You are the zodiac sign most prized for your exotic allure and impenetrable air of mystery. Hard liquor is too crass, and beer is so…so…so cheap. Hard liquor is for derelicts, and beer is for commoners. You are more discriminating. Sipping wine from a finely crafted cocktail glass is far more stylish and classier than swilling Scotch from a bottle or guzzling beer from a cheap can. Wine keeps things light, tasteful, and elegant. It adds a splash of decorum, discretion, taste, and class. When you drink wine, your mask never slips.