5 Birth Months Who Can’t Exist Without Coffee

It is a well-known maxim that in life, the race goes not to the swift, nor even to the strong, but to the one who drinks the most coffee. If you’re feeling a little sluggish, aimless, or groggy, coffee is a surefire way to put some pep in your step and some glide in your stride.

Americans guzzle down a staggering 400 million cups of coffee daily. Coffee is second only to water as the liquid most consumed by Americans—and it isn’t far behind. According to one study, while 66% of Americans drink water daily, coffee-drinkers nip closely at their heels at 63%.

Here are the five birth months that simply cannot live without drinking some Jitter Juice. The top three are fire sign natives, so fire up that coffee machine and get to readin’!

April

Although those born in April are symbolized by the Ram, it might as well be the Starbucks logo. As the first sign on the birth month calendar, April won’t quit until they finish first in everything, and coffee gives them that extra competitive edge over their rivals. A fire sign ruled by Mars, the planet of raw animal aggression, April make for the best corporate raiders—or even the best Viking raiders. They harken back to ancient times when Aztec warriors would prepare for battle by eating little rolled-up balls made of a paste composed of crushed coffee beans and cayenne pepper. Although the average human body is made of 60% water, the average April’s body is made of 60% coffee.

August

As a fixed fire sign ruled by the sun and symbolized by the Lion, August is an almost cartoonishly alpha-style personality. Just like the sun is the center of the solar system and has all the planets dutifully swirling around it, those born in August demand to be the center of attention and have everyone else do their bidding. They are born to lead, to conquer, to dominate, to rule, and to imperiously hand down orders and issue commands to all the betas and zetas and omegas who cower and shudder in their presence. But if you think it all comes naturally to them, you’d be wrong, dear friend. Their secret is coffee. They don’t drink it by the cup—cups are for losers. They guzzle it by the keg.

December

The third fire sign on our list of java junkies, December is ruled by Jupiter, the most massive planet and the one that rules the ninth house of new horizons. Those born in December are therefore impelled toward adventure, discovery, and pushing past old boundaries to explore new frontiers. But one needs energy—almost superhuman levels of it—to venture into uncharted territory and boldly go where no one has gone before. That’s where coffee comes in. When they need to crank up their energy level a notch, December boils some water, grinds some beans, and pours themselves a hot cup of ambition.

January

Just like soul singer James Brown was known as “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business,” those born in January are “The Hardest Working Goat of the year.” Scarily disciplined and laser-focused on projects and deadlines, they are like a one-person attack squad. They set impossible goals for themselves, and yet they reach them every time. They simply have no time to be patient—to them, patients are for doctors. So to maximize their time and propel themselves forward to their endless finish lines, they imbibe coffee like a sports car fills itself with high-octane gasoline. When they have a full tank, don’t get in their way, or you might get run over.

June

The Twins are ruled by Mercury, the planet that governs communication.  It is an indisputable scientific fact, proven for all eternity beyond a reasonable doubt, that there has never been a successful writer who didn’t subsist on coffee to meet every deadline. They drink piping-hot coffee in the winter when they wake up to brush away the cobwebs from their brain and get to work. In the summertime, it’s iced coffee complete with ice cubes that are ALSO made of coffee. When they feel like having a snack, they love dipping coffee cake into their coffee. If scientists were somehow able to engineer a high-protein lab-grown meat made of coffee, that’s all that those born in June would eat. They drink so much coffee, they should probably get their kidneys replaced with coffee filters.