6 Concrete Signs You’re Reliving Old Relationship Patterns (And Need To Heal)

Sometimes when we get into new relationships it can be hard to step out of old relationship patterns of unresolved issues or learned behaviors. Here are some signs you’re repeating familiar patterns and need to heal:

Poor communication.

If you and your partner are having lots of misunderstandings, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad communication. If you are having trouble expressing yourself or you avoid having deep or hard conversations about issues or about the future, then you might be reliving an old relationship pattern: bad. communication.

No matter if you are avoidant or just bad at communicating, if this problem is not addressed or fixed, both of you will continue to settle for the bare minimum, and that’s not what either of you deserve.

Lots of arguments.

Fighting is normal in any relationship. But if you’re picking fights with your partner and are finding that the conflicts are similar to those you’ve had with previous partners, then you could be reliving old patterns. On the other hand, if you’re avoiding fights altogether, you might be continuing a pattern of suppressing your own feelings for the sake of keeping the peace. You continue to people-please your way through the relationship.

Playing the same roles.

Maybe you were the caregiver in your last relationship. You were the people-pleaser, making sure your partner’s needs were taken care of before your own. If you don’t learn from this behavior and enter a new relationship being the caregiver again, you are ultimately going to continue this pattern over and over and over. You’re going to be settling for a partner who acts more like a child like they need to be taken care of.

You might find that you’re also drawn to people who have had similar characteristics or played the same role as an ex. You were in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, and now you’re in a relationship with someone else who is emotionally distant. You are unconsciously seeking out what’s familiar.

Fear of abandonment.

If you have a recurring fear of being abandoned, you might find that you’re bringing that into new relationships. With this fear, you are ultimately codependent, engaging in behaviors of people-pleasing and having a hard time setting boundaries. When you have a fear of abandonment, you might go to great lengths to avoid a breakup, even if that means tolerating unhealthy or abusive situations. Your fear of abandonment and being “unloved and alone” is so strong that you will settle for attachment, you will settle for the bare minimum.

People-pleasing.

If you find that you’re putting your partner’s needs and desires before your own, you are ultimately people-pleasing. If you are avoiding fights or compromising as a means of wanting to keep the peace, you’re people-pleasing. People-pleasing is an unhealthy learned behavior that can start very young, and getting out of that can be incredibly challenging. Even still, it’s necessary to, or else you will be carrying that into every relationship you will have.

Difficulty trusting.

Trust is crucial in any relationship. If you have a gut feeling about something or someone, that maybe something isn’t right or maybe your partner is untrustworthy, listen to that gut feeling. However, if you have a hard time trusting your partner even though they have never and will never give you a reason to doubt them, it might be an underlying issue you have to deal with.

Recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns is the first step to breaking said patterns. By addressing the underlying issues through therapy or counseling, you can then break the cycle and build healthier relationship dynamics.