5 Kinds of People You’ll Find at Every Pumpkin Patch
A pumpkin patch sounds like a simple outing until you try to get everyone to agree that it’s time to leave. There are still pumpkins to compare, photos to take, and apparently one more thing that must be eaten warm. If you’ve ever waited beside the wagon with your car keys out, you’ll recognize a few of these people.
1. The Photo Director
They spotted the empty wagon before anyone had picked a pumpkin. Now you’re sitting in it with a pumpkin in your lap, being told to look as though none of this was arranged. Their sweater was chosen yesterday. Your position has been adjusted three times. Every attempt to stand up is met with “Wait, one more.” They crouch in the dirt, move a stray bag out of the frame, and somehow persuade the whole group to squeeze together. You complain right up until you see the picture where everyone is laughing. Then you ask them to send the original.
2. The Pumpkin Perfectionist
They’re choosing something that will sit on a porch, but the deliberation suggests a decision their grandchildren will inherit. Too tall. Too squat. Promising shape, disappointing stem. They turn each candidate slowly, set it down to see whether it leans, then ask your opinion with the seriousness of someone who intends to ignore it. You have been holding their previous favorite for quite some time.
Eventually, they remember a pumpkin near the entrance. That one had possibilities. Everyone is now retracing their steps to find an orange object in a field of orange objects.
3. The Snack Enthusiast
The cider donuts were mentioned in the group chat, and that was all the convincing they needed. They have a warm bag tucked under one arm before anyone has found a wagon. A pumpkin can wait; these are best right now. They offer you one, hold the bag open while you reconsider, and correctly interpret “Maybe just half” as the beginning of a negotiation. You’re both still brushing sugar off your jackets when they suggest getting a second bag.
4. The Reluctant Plus-One
There were pumpkins at the grocery store. They would like that entered into the record. They came because you asked, wore shoes they’re now worried about, and have a running commentary about how far away you parked.
Then they spot the corn maze. They’re certain they can finish it faster than the rest of you. Suddenly, the person who wanted to leave is insisting that everyone wait while they figure out where the path went wrong. You find them studying the map with the concentration they usually reserve for assembling furniture. On the way home, they explain how they’d approach the maze differently next time. Next time, you notice. You wisely keep that to yourself.
5. The Pumpkin Rescuer
“Look at this little guy.” That’s how it starts. They’ve found a pumpkin with a flattened side, a crooked stem, and a shape that makes it difficult to set down. They turn it toward you as though an introduction is required. You make the mistake of suggesting a rounder one nearby. Now you’re hearing a spirited defense of the original, which apparently has a face if you look at it from this angle. It has already been given a name. By the time you reach the checkout, they’ve picked up a tiny one to keep it company. You’re asked to hold them both on the way home.