Each Zodiac’s Questionable Taste In Men

Aries

You love a guy with street smarts as opposed to one with book smarts. In other words, you love an illiterate man.

Taurus

You love a man in therapy. The sensitive poet type who inexplicably reads Milton by the seaside like he doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to be. Probably because really doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to be. Nothing turns you on more than the thought of a man breaking generational cycles. To you, dirty talk sounds like “When you did ____, it made me feel ____”. Oh yes, you love a man who knows how to effectively communicate his emotions constructively. You also randomly love unemployed men with way too much time on their hands. Why? Because that way he has the time to sit with emotions and ponder his trauma while he files for unemployment. 

Gemini

You have a thing for men who don’t own cars. 

Cancer

Cancer, you’re delusional so you’ll usually fall for a man who either lives at home with his mom, is a serial killer, or both. There is no in-between for you. It’s either a homeless man or Jeffrey Dahmer. “He has a sensitive side” – You right now fighting for your life in the group chat. 

Leo

You love a short king, Leo. You’re the type of person who doesn’t want to feel dominated in a relationship but rather like an equal to your man. To quote Susan B. Anthony at some point in her life, “Equal rights, equal heights.” It’s what the suffragettes fought for… For you to be able to see eye to eye with your man.

Virgo

You love the idea of a man. A man who is intangible. A man who is made up. A figment of your imagination. You love a man written by women. He is kind, smart, funny, intelligent, patient, hard-working, protective, and not in this reality. A kind of man who simply doesn’t exist. But let’s say hypothetically that man did exist in real life. If he was bald, you’d probably end up rejecting him and still complain that there aren’t any good men left.

Libra

You love men with trust funds and two brain cells. You also go for the classic masculine male archetype. Like a young Clint Eastwood in cowboy garb but you’re the type that would make him shower pre-coital. 

Scorpio

You love an ugly hot man with a dark sense of humor and a receding hairline. On occasion, you’ve been known to have a thing for emo men who are pushing 40. Whenever you show a picture to your friends of the new guy that you’re dating, you always have to preface it with “He looks better in person” (he doesn’t). If anything, that photo is doing him a lot of justice.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, your first words were “I can fix him”. You love a broken man who is color blind and as a result, can’t properly dress himself. You love the idea of a good fixer-upper. Why find a man who already has their shit together and can perceive the color spectrum when you could simply thrift one for cheap out of Mommy Issues R’ Us. 

Capricorn

You have a thing for players and mob bosses. Why players? Because you love a good challenge and secretly enjoy playing games. You love the idea of outplaying the player. At a certain point, it’s not even about finding love, it’s just about winning for you. Seek therapy immediately. Every man that has ever dated you has left that interaction a born-again Christian in search of God. You also love the idea of marrying a Tony Soprano-type man so that you could live out your secret fantasy of being a hot chain-smoking mob wife.

Aquarius

You love the bad boys, Aquarius. I’m not talking about Rebel Without A Cause, James Dean bad. I’m talking misdemeanor bad. I’m talking tax evasion bad. I’m taking off-shore bank account bad. I’m talking embezzles money from a children’s cancer charity bad. I’m talking, would probably short the housing market bad. 

Pisces

You love a sickly malnourished-looking man who eats cigarettes for breakfast. You love a man who looks like he hasn’t felt the warmth of the sunlight upon his skin in ages nor the kiss of his mother’s lips upon his hallowed cheeks. You love a dehydrated-looking man.