This Is Who Would Win If The Zodiacs Were A March Madness Bracket

ROUND 1

Aquarius v. Libra

Libra is taking this one. These two intellectual signs would show down on a debate stage, but Aquarius’ sensitive side would make them lose their cool first while level-headed Libra would thrive in the spotlight.

Sagittarius v. Capricorn

Sagittarius comes out on top in an e-mail battle. Capricorn may speak corporate in their sleep, but Sagittarius has the charm and people skills to pull off signatures like “Cheers”, where Capricorn gets stuck at “Best” and “Kind Regards”.

Pisces v. Gemini

This is the battle of the cry-off. Whoever spills more tears down to the last millimeter is the victor, which means Gemini is walking away with the trophy. Sure, Pisces can turn them on quick enough, but Gemini’s stamina is unmatched. 

Virgo v. Scorpio

The only fair competition for these two is to see who emotionally obliterate the other with a snarky comment first. It’s a tough race, and other signs may not have the stomach to watch, but Virgo walks away the winner.

Aries v. Cancer

These two show down by fighting over who gets to pay the dinner bill. Aries will huff and puff and create a scene, but it will be too late. Cancer will have already slipped the waiter their credit card on the way to the bathroom.

Taurus v. Leo

Taurus and Leo will shop until one of them literally drops. Leo may think they can hang because they have VIP points at every location, but ultimately they’ll be begging for a mall pretzel when Taurus is just getting started with their personal stylist.

ROUND 2

Libra v. Sagittarius

These two will have to see who can last the longest in a museum, reading every plaque they walk past. While both signs have a thrust for knowledge, only Libra will be able focus long enough to win.

Virgo v. Cancer

Virgo and Cancer duke it out by seeing who can convince their internet provider to lower their monthly bill. While Virgo is able to get the Boss Level manager on the phone to negotiate, Cancer’s patience and charm have the most impact on the bottom line.

Gemini v. Taurus

Gemini and Taurus battle it out by seeing who can convince a table full of their friends to order dessert first. Gemini leans into guilt and pity by playing up what a hard week they’ve had, but Taurus sells everyone on some molten chocolate creation with ice cream first. 

ROUND 3

Libra v. Cancer v. Taurus

Because this isn’t basketball, or college, or even a real competition, we’re left with three finalists in our Zodiac March Madness bracket. 

The final test is an open-ended question graded on a Doug Forcett scale. Like the namesake character from The Good Place whoever’s answer has the highest percent accuracy will walk away the winner. 

The question is, of course, the one we’ve all had on our minds all month: WHERE IS KATE MIDDLETON?

Libra will weigh the fact against each other, making a level-headed and reasonable bet. Cancer will use their personal experience as a sensitive soul with a cold outer shell to intuit a potential answer, but no one will be able to get inside the minds of the royals like opulent Taurus. Their answer will read like a synopsis of a new season of The Crown we absolutely can’t live without. Undoubtedly, by taking an “all the rumors are true” approach, they will have stumbled on the right answer by chance.