The first sign in the zodiac. A natural-born leader. Enough energy to power a battleship or light a midsized city. Passionate. Motivated. Confident. Determined. Popular. Cheerful. Competitive. Honest. Unafraid of conflict if it’s for a good cause. A winner. In short, you are smug about everything. Every once in a while, as you stand in front of the bathroom mirror, you smirk and say to yourself, “Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.”
Unlike all those other zodiac signs, who buckle and capitulate and crumble and submit at the first sign of adversity or disapproval, you boldly stand your ground. You have ethics and principles and standards and will not surrender a millimeter, much less an inch. You are strong, and they are weak. Or at least this is what you tell yourself rather than admitting that you can be a stubborn jerk.
You are a wizard of words, a master broadcaster, someone who can charm a cobra out of a basket with flattery. You are so good at communicating and getting people to find their common ground despite the harshest of disagreements, you should be appointed President of the Universe. People love you because you can be effortlessly funny, are the life of the party, and have a unique knack for approaching problems from unexpected angles. But, I fear, it’s all gone to your head and you really need to get over yourself.
As the most dripping-wet of all the water signs, your most prominent trait is your ability to feel emotions to the point of drowning in them. Sometimes you are so emotional that it becomes like a tsunami and also threatens to drown everyone around you. But, hey, at least you have emotions unlike all those unfeeling sociopaths. It’s better to feel horrible than to feel nothing at all…right?
You are known for your overconfidence and arrogance. Notice that I said that you are “known” for these traits rather than “liked” for them. Some people harbor an intense dislike for the fact that you like yourself so much. But being known as an egomaniac only makes you think more of yourself, because only jealous haters call someone else egotistical. So you are smug about your smugness. Being around you is like watching a 24-hour Smug-a-Thon.
As the only sign named after a virgin, your defining trait is your modesty. You’re not the type to send nude selfies to strangers on dating apps, nor to drunkenly hog the mic during karaoke night at the local dive bar. You are prim, proper, discreet, and discriminating. You faithfully follow every last rule of manners and protocol. In short, you are exceedingly immodest about your modesty. You are shamelessly proud of your ability to feel shame.
Well, aren’t you so fair that you should have been appointed to the Supreme Court while you were still in diapers? It’s not every day that someone is so impartial, so willing to look at the evidence, so eager to put aside their own biases and preferences simply to decide what’s true and false rather than what’s right and wrong, is it? In a world where everyone is so blinded by their own ego that they can’t tell between truth and fiction, you and only you are just and righteous and judicious. Pardon me for judging you harshly about the fact that you’re so nonjudgmental.
You are a sexual dynamo. People are drawn to your carnal charisma like helpless moths to a bonfire. You ooze pheromones like tree sap. You have a wicked gleam in your eye that could make any priest or nun renounce their vows of chastity and beg to become your sex slave. People feel helpless at the fact that you can lure them into bed with a nod and a wink. And you bask in your powers of attraction. You are disgustingly haughty about your ability to make others horny.
Why, just look at the Archer, pulling back their bow and shooting arrows deep into the cosmos, going boldly where no human has ever gone before, mapping out unexplored territories, turning over rocks to see what’s wriggling underneath, trying new foods, learning new languages, asking questions everyone else is afraid to ask, always taking the road less traveled, and constantly challenging yourself to be better. I’m not saying that any of these traits are bad—in fact, they’re enviable. But somehow I can tell that deep down inside, you’re so self-satisfied, it almost makes me sick.
Although Capricorn is represented by the goat, they should swap that out for the worker ant. You are methodical to the point of being mechanical, diligent to the point of being militant, and you’re so reliable that it’s undeniable. While you graciously accept compliments from others about your work ethic, inwardly you view them as shiftless parasites. You’re quite pleased with yourself about how lazy everyone else is compared to you.
As the great observer and Zen master of the zodiac, you rarely engage in name-calling, vindictiveness, or petty acts of drama. You maintain a stoic outlook, always see the big picture, and never allow yourself to get sidetracked with petty entanglements or derailed by useless endeavors. You radiate so much wisdom, you might as well be a nuclear reactor. Late at night in quiet moments, you are smug about the fact that you never appear smug to people.
You are the most spiritual of all the zodiac signs. Although your feet are planted on the ground, your head is up in the clouds—that is, when it isn’t floating somewhere deep in outer space. You can communicate with the dead, have unparalleled psychic abilities, and know all of the angels on a first-name basis. You are so wise, so in tune with the universe’s vibrations, that sometimes the gods come to you seeking advice. But don’t go getting an attitude about it, because as the Good Book says, pride goeth before a fall.