(April 20 – May 20)
The term “angry” seems a little too weak to describe how worked-up you get sometimes. It’s more like…“wrath of God,” maybe? And like the proverbial bull in a china shop, you wind up smashing things when you get angry. It sounds like a contradiction, but the reason you get so angry isn’t because you’re unfeeling; it’s because you feel too much. You’re extremely sensitive, but because you’re always lashing out at people, no one realizes you’re sensitive. All they see is the anger. Be honest with yourself. Think of the people you respect the most. How many of them are as hotheaded as you are? None of them, right? Learn from their example.
(October 23 – November 21)
You’re bilious, frequently indignant, and prone to flying off the handle. And I’m almost afraid to say these things, because not only are you angry, you’re vengeful. And while there are a lot of things in this world that would make anyone with a brain and a heart angry—a LOT of things—you’re not going to rectify any of these injustices by letting your heart start to pound, breaking into a sweat, allowing your blood to boil, and ultimately blowing a gasket. The next time you get upset, take a day before you allow your aggravation to translate into action. A full day. Most of the time, and trust me on this, you won’t be upset the next day. It’s no fun being aggravated all the time. Dial down the anger a notch, and a world of happiness will open up to you.
(March 21 – April 19)
Often your anger is misdirected—not at the things and people that are actually making you angry, but at the loved ones who surround you. You’re talented, smart, attractive, and loving…but you push away those closest to you by letting your anger get the better of you. There’s a lot of injustice in this world. But unless you take action to rectify the injustice, getting and staying angry about it is only an injustice to yourself. Getting angry all the time does a disservice to both your physical and mental health. Think of how much time you’ve wasted getting angry. Anger that leads to positive action can be good. But anger that goes nowhere is poison for the soul.
(November 22 – December 21)
Hello, you irritable curmudgeon, you. I have a question: Are you angry with the people around you, or are you angry with yourself for allowing these infuriating, soulless jerks into your life in the first place? The fact that you tend to be angry—not always, but c’mon, you’re angry a lot of the time—doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. As ironic as it sounds, you usually get angry at others because you’ve been far better to them than they deserve. It’s always the same song and dance: You finally lose your cool as a result of being too nice to people, getting taken advantage of, and then getting furious that they dared to take advantage of you. If you learned to be more assertive, your anger problem would vanish.
(January 19 – February 18)
Have you never been mellow? Have you never tried? Flustered by the simplest things, you let things get to you. Things such as being put on hold by customer support. Things such as having to wait an hour past your appointment time before the doctor is ready to see you. It doesn’t take much to send you into an absolute tizzy. Start with baby steps—let yourself be angry on weekdays when you need to work (anger can be a tremendous motivator), but vow to spend every minute of every weekend sipping champagne in a hot tub. Watch your temper, practice your breathing exercises, and get a grip on yourself. You’re much better-looking when mellow than when angry.
(July 23 – August 22)
Sometimes you’re a lion, sometimes you’re a pussycat. You could go either way, depending on the day, the weather, and the immediate aggravating circumstances. You’re less angry than you used to be, because unlike a lot of the hotheads above you on this list, you learn from your mistakes. You realize that unless anger directly leads to action that solves the problem that first made you angry, being enraged is a dead end. At some point the stars aligned and made you realize that while hotheads burn out, cooler heads prevail.
(May 21 – June 20)
Are you angry or mellow? It’s a trick question—you’re the Twins, so you’re angry and mellow. One moment you’re irritated, agitated, and annoyed. The next, you’re calm, flexible, and breezy. There is one notable thing about your anger, though—you get much angrier at personal slights and insults than you do at broad patterns of social injustice. You may try to justify this by saying there’s nothing that you can really do about social injustice and it’s easier to right any personal wrongs that have been committed against you. But maybe it’s just that you’re selfish and self-centered. Not that I’m hinting at anything. OK, maybe I am.
(December 22 – January 19)
Although you appear to be carefree and easygoing, there’s a huge difference between being mellow and being numb. Unfortunately, you lean far more toward the numb end of the spectrum. You get angry, but you never let anyone see it. You tend to bottle-up and hide your feelings. You’re the only one on this list I’d counsel to get a little more angry every once in a while. Some fights are worth fighting, and some injustices are worth getting angry about. Every once in a while, Capricorn, as your personal astrologer, I feel it is my duty to inform you that it’s OK every once in a while to let someone get your goat.
(June 21 – July 22)
Unlike your namesake, you don’t tend to be very crabby. You are happy as a clam, cool as Jell-O, and easy like Sunday morning. You are slow to anger and quick to forgive. When you were very young, some wise people who cared deeply about you taught you that life is way too short to waste with bitterness. Granted, that’s a lesson that can be easily forgotten in the heat of the moment when one feels endangered, but your elders drilled this lesson right into your bones. They carefully fashioned you into the extremely cool-headed person you are today.
(August 23 – September 22)
Anger can be a huge character flaw, but it also has its uses—for example, if oppressed people never got angry and rose up, oppression would continue forever. But even if you were severely oppressed, I can’t see you even bothering to get up off the couch and do something about it. Sometimes I can’t decide whether you’re mellow or simply lazy. I’ve never seen you get upset. Then again, I’ve never seen you get excited about anything, either. There have been times where you show such little emotion, I feel compelled to check whether or not you still have a pulse. Good things come to those who wait. Then again, bad things happen to those who wait too long to go to the doctor.
(September 23 – October 22)
Your scales tilt firmly toward the mellow side of life. You were blessed at birth with a tendency to coolly assess any problem, no matter how concerning or urgent. You gaze at the world with an expression of cat-like serenity in your eyes, as if you hold all of the wisdom of the ancients in your heart. Laid-back and as smooth as peanut butter, you’ve had enough bad experiences in life without having to unduly trouble yourself with anger. Cool, calm, and collected, you have such complete control over your emotions that I’m starting to get a little mad at you.
(February 19 – March 20)
Like your namesake the fish, you are a cold-blooded animal. But that doesn’t mean you’re cold-hearted—quite the opposite, you’re a complete sweetheart with endless compassion—it just means that you don’t let the demon emotion of anger rule your life. You don’t let your radiator overheat. You are wise enough to realize that almost nothing is worth getting angry over, because then the anger becomes a second problem. Getting upset makes any problem worse. The world would be a much better place if everyone was as mellow as you.