What The Time You Poop Reveals About Your Personality

Defecation, just like death, is an unsavory, unfortunate, and unavoidable fact of life.

Those malodorous fecal tombstones made up of bacteria, dead intestinal cells, mucus, and other unspeakable colonic excretions can tell us a lot about what you’ve eaten. But the time of day (or night) when you routinely make a deposit on the porcelain throne tells us about who you are.

They say the eye is a window to the soul. But have you ever considered that what exits from your other end is a direct, if muddy, reflection of your inner essence?

It’s true: Just as one can map out 12 personality types through the zodiacal signs, one can break down five human archetypes through when you move your bowels.

Think of these not as star signs, but as starfish signs.

6-9 AM: The Early Bird Pooper

You handle the worst thing first: You release the Kraken at the crack of dawn. It lets you greet the day with a clean slate and feeling lighter. Things can only get better from there on out. You are extroverted and sunny in disposition. You are precise and proactive in your peristalsis, a person who tackles problems before they become unmanageable.

During Work Hours: The Professional Pooper

Business hours are when you “take care of business.” You have no qualms about befouling a public or shared space. You make someone else pay for the plumbing, the water, and the toilet paper. There’s a practicality to all this, though, a certain thriftiness to defecating on someone else’s dime. It’s an economic strategy, and you are borderline mercenary about it. But it’s also highly selfish.

On the positive side, you are a multitasker. You are trustworthy in the sense that what happens at work stays at work.

PM – Bedtime: The Post-Dinner Pooper

You are an avoidant personality who holds onto bad news until you have no choice but to let it all out. You put everything off, including the most basic biological functions, until circumstances force your hand. A procrastinator by nature — a Poopcrastinator — you save the worst for last until your body eventually overrules your mind.

There’s a way to find a redemptive arc in these tendencies, though. Don’t look at your last-minute expulsions as “making room for dessert” — view them instead as letting go of the past, as airing your grievances so you can sleep with a clean conscience.

Midnight-6 AM: The Pre-Dawn Pooper

When you hear the howls down in your bowels, you furtively operate under cover of darkness. Not only do you ensure that the bathroom door is locked; you see to it that everyone else is asleep or, even better, out of town when you defecate.

You are guarded and easily shamed, but you are also considerate. You see no need to burden others with your problems or your accomplishments. You do your good deeds and your bad deeds in private. This makes you an ethical introvert.

No Fixed Time: The Unpredictable Pooper

Being irregular is your regular setting. Your BMs are scattershot: They could happen three times a day or three times a week. To the outside world, you appear as unreliable and disorganized. People would think that your circadian rhythms need a dance instructor.

But you don’t see it that way. What may look like a disorganized mess to others resembles a Jackson Pollock masterpiece to you. You view yourself as creative rather than chaotic, as free-spirited instead of feckless. You don’t bow to their rules. The world runs on schedules. You are not the world.