Here’s Why Your Exes Keep Coming Back (And Why You Need To Let Them Go)

It’s heartbreaking to fall in love with someone that—at the time—doesn’t have the capacity to love you back; just ask Ginny. Now, of course, that person’s capacity can change, but it’s certainly not something you should ever waste valuable and fleeting time holding out for. That’s because timing is everything, and most of us can’t be like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez riding into the sunset after so many years apart. 

As human beings, we are all destined to travel individual journeys, walking in different directions at staggered paces. When we cross paths with one another, depending on where we are, we may not align with the person we bump into. Now, that misalignment won’t prevent us from falling in love, lust, or like with another person. This is why so many of us are bombarded by ghosts of relationships past trying to resurrect feelings of past relationships. 

Perhaps your ex is trying to be reminded of a simpler, happier time. They might be lonely or dealing with a massive life change that pushes them to rethink and question past encounters. Overall, during challenging times, it can be easier for humans to overanalyze the past rather than deal with the reality of their present. That’s why I think so many of us use people from previous times to distract us from dealing with whatever problems we’re facing today. 

When someone returns, the thought of healing an old wound can be tempting. But what I think is most important to acknowledge is that when a person doesn’t have the capacity to give you everything you want, need, and deserve in a relationship, they have no business participating in your daily thoughts or actions.

And while rejection isn’t always direct, I think it’s important for us to treat all rejection with the same level of removal. We’ve all been there where we don’t want to let go of someone, so we answer their calls when they resurface—holding onto breadcrumbs and inconsistent communication. But the fact remains that if someone is not loudly, transparently, and actively choosing you, they’re rejecting your worth. Enabling someone that doesn’t value you with the power to invade your mind only devalues your present. 

Limbo is a place of whiplash. It’s as if you’re up to bat and make your way to home plate, but when you get there the pitcher never throws the ball. Instead, they make it look like they’re going to throw the ball, gesturing confusing hand motions while holding your gaze and full attention. But you never get to swing or run around the bases to see if you can make it to home plate. 

So if an ex returns, I want you to remember this: if you’re communicating with someone you have feelings for and there is any level of intimacy, there is the potential to take up harmful space in your mind and create toxic energy in your actions.

You deserve to participate in relationships that are an unquestionable, loud, and proud yes. Anything less than that is not good enough for you. You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to question anything.

I promise, your energy is more powerful when it is used in other ways.

But you can only find that worthy relationship when you allow yourself to have good things, and that won’t happen until you believe that you deserve good things. 

Everyone has the ability to change, and there are always exceptions, but if you’re in a state of limbo with someone that’s reemerged, you’re not moving forward; you’re choosing to stay stuck in a replay of the past. 

Maybe you were happy they returned because you thought the person belonged in your life, no matter what. You think, how could you feel so deeply connected if you weren’t supposed to be in each other’s lives? Trust me, I get it, and if this resonates, I want you to know that it doesn’t mean you were wrong. All of those feelings were the right feelings, but sometimes people don’t have the capacity to love us the way we want, need, and deserve. Sometimes, cutting the cord with a what-if is the only way to start fully experiencing what is.  

If you’re trying to break old habits, you might want to start by breaking off contact, ensuring there is no longer something for you to hold onto. Letting go is what will support your peace and balance; that stability will push you forward knowing you deserve to be in a relationship that is an undeniable yes, because there is no room for anything else.