Please Remember That Effort Is Attractive (And The Bare Minimum Is Not)

In some relationships, we tend to lose ourselves.

We get so caught up and attached that we neglect ourselves and our own needs and desires. We give so much love and devotion to our partner that they can feel as if they don’t have to try as hard, that you’ll love them so much no matter what that we will accept so little from them.

When you’re in a bare minimum relationship like that, you might start to doubt yourself. Am I asking for too much? Am I too much? Am I not worth more? But you’ll be so afraid to ask for more, out of fear of being “too much.”

Things are fine, I guess. Why ruin it by saying something? You think, and so you stay. You settle. You do this out of fear of loneliness or not wanting to go through a breakup, despite how crucial that separation might be.

It isn’t until you do get out of this bare minimum relationship that you feel ashamed for accepting anything less. You will feel hurt that you weren’t given more. You will feel sorry for yourself for not noticing and for not asking for your needs to be met.

And then you will start to understand what you deserve in future relationships. So when someone new comes along, you start to take notice of the way they treat you. How good they are. How different they are. You will see how they’re actually putting in effort and offering so much more than the bare minimum.

Let’s say someone new comes in. They offer to walk you to the subway or drive you home after your date. You’re impressed simply because that’s something your ex never did. Or maybe you’re sick and they get you electrolytes, Advil, and a snack. Again, you’re impressed.

If someone likes you (or loves you), they will go out of their way to show you how much they respect and care for you. They will do the bare minimum of letting you sit in the booth (iykyk), offering to pay for your coffee, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, and opening doors for you–and they will also do so much more for you. They will listen to you when you express your needs and desires and actively put in the effort to do those things.

You will feel hurt that you accepted too little before, but hopeful that someone new will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You will see how attractive effort can be and how the bare minimum is not. Remember: You’re not too much. You’re not asking for too much. The way someone once loved you just wasn’t enough.