You Were More Than Just An Almost—You Were My Destiny

These are words I have written before. Privately, not publicly. A tale of destiny that expands many lifetimes. A story of a woman who was finding her way. A woman who tripped right into the acquaintance of a complex human being. Humans have a depth of feeling, though many are not brave to access it.

Every time I write something about him thinking these are the last words I will write, it never is.

My emotions get stirred once more like a slow brewing of tea, and it is never-ending.

His effect on me will continue even though there is emotional and physical distance. I can not remember my life anymore before I became acquainted with him.

Social media may have connected us, but our souls would have found each other. By any means.

Before I go into this story, I would like to note that unreciprocated love is a nightmare.

Carrying the capacity for such a love, only for it to be blocked, has caused intense suffering.

I broke in a way in which I will never be the same. A broken man makes you feel bad for loving him, while a strong man makes you feel more alive.

We praise others for their ability to be vulnerable. Yet, we need to pause and ponder whether we are ready for the changes such a decision will bring about in our life. There are actions once taken, we can never come back from the same. Even the memory of such actions has the power to make us suffer. Choosing who we are vulnerable with is self-care.

I was never one to believe in love at first sight. I thought it was a cheesy and overused way to describe the way someone falls in love.

On a crisp winter afternoon in 2019, I was heading back into the office from a break at work. I was scrolling through social media when I saw your face in front of me on my phone. I remember it was a picture of you and your mother. A sudden rush of emotions fell over me. It was a strange pull. A pull towards a person that I didn’t know and had never seen before.

Weeks later, I forgot about it. I explained to myself that it was “something I made up in my head”

Then, the whole world came to a stop due to a pandemic. Your name and posts were everywhere.

So I decided I would strike several conversations because I wanted to see what you were all about. In truth, it was easy to speak to you. I felt very protective of you, even though I had no right to be. I could tell from a post or picture if you were having a hard time or hadn’t slept. I could feel your emotions from a distance.

It was not easy feeling this way. I realize now my emotions were growing for you. I felt uncomfortable. Looking back, I was not in love with your social media persona.

If you had been a guy that I had met at university, I would have felt the same. I loved your mess. The entire way you were. All the flaws you exhibited. I knew they were plenty.

But I didn’t focus on that, I focused on the fact that you had all the makings to be a great man in the future. I wanted to align myself with you and be part of this future.

I made a decision that I don’t regret to this day, but I should have thought more about it before I took action.

One July night, I sent that message that would set the course of changes for the next two years. I told you how I felt and things went awry.

One of the heaviest downward spirals ensued plunging me with it in the dark.

A combination of misunderstandings and unsaid words. Unexpressed love for a hurt human being who I saw more human than anything else. You put your fear of commitment above any future we could have had.

It was as if somehow you had control and forced all my wounds to rise with a touch of a button.

I was in so much pain. I had lost all taste for life and everything around me. In the spiritual world, I was going through something called a spiritual awakening.

For months, tears would not leave my eyes. I could not talk about you without feeling the heaviness of this pain screaming.

It was the first time in my life I had been vulnerable like that. I am not a stranger to pain. Yet, this pain felt more intense.

You left me to drown and forgot about me. I thought vulnerability was empowering, but I felt like crap.

There is nothing I could have done to prevent the outcome from being this. Absolutely nothing.

I want to go back to the days when l was a woman who loved you from a distance and you would never know.

There are some actions taken we can never come back from.

I channeled all this pain and anger into making myself better. I stepped out of my comfort zone and volunteered at community organizations. I hosted events and utilized the power of community to heal me.

I have met wonderful people through you. You were the bridge to these blessings, but you were not the blessing itself.

You are fighting demons, insecurities, and your heavy past. You smile but your soul is tired. You’re living life on a constant unhealthy loop.

I know because I was the same. We were two souls traveling similar paths. Healing from the same wounds.

We were not meant to be. We were only meant to meet. A season in our lives for a reason.

Sometimes the pain comes back as if it has made my body its permanent address. I drive it away, but it is still there. I am not alive to get over this. I cannot get over it. I cannot move on.

But I can move forward. Flashback after flashback threatens my recovery. At times, I have to reaccept what I have accepted over again.

Some will say this was a story of an infatuation, because how can you love someone you don’t know that well? But what if you knew them lifetimes ago? After all, look how easy it is for the strange to become familiar and the familiar to become strange.

My entire personal growth journey is intertwined with that one moment when I came undone in July.

You were a catalyst to change in my life. In an unforeseen way, I needed it.

Despite the pain, I still remember all my conversations with you. A vivid memory of a dark-haired, brown-eyed guy with a smile that made me feel emotions I had not touched.

Our story ends now.