Zodiac Signs Ranked From Hard Workers to Absolute Slackers

CAPRICORN

(December 22 – January 19)

You are a workaholic by nature and always do twice what’s expected of you. You are intensely grateful for every employment opportunity and vow to never hear an employer say they regret hiring you. You feel guilty when things are given to you for free. You are this way because nothing was ever given to you—you always had to work for it, so working hard became second nature. You realize that life is short and that even wasting a single day may set you headed down the wrong path. You’re so reliable that I almost asked you to write this article for me. But because I’m also a hard worker and couldn’t in good conscience ask you to do my job, out of concern for your mental well-being I’ll just suggest that all work and no play make you a little dull sometimes. Try to take a break every once in a while.

VIRGO

(August 23 – September 22)

You are blessed with the rare ability to see the long-term picture rather than what’s right in front of your eyes. As a result of this, you work hard now so that you don’t have to work hard later. Much of your work doesn’t involve physical labor or punching a clock so much as it does planning a solid foundation from which to proceed. You burn the midnight oil and work on weekends now so that in twenty years from now, you’ll be coasting on your wealth and never have to work again. Because you are an astute strategist, your financial dreams will likely all come true. But just as with Capricorn, sometimes you work too hard. One day you’ll own a yacht, but for now, it wouldn’t kill you to take a weekend vacation at a cabin near a lake where you can practice your yachtsmanship by navigating a rowboat.

ARIES

(March 21 – April 19)

Like the tortoise in Aesop’s fable, slow and steady win the race for you. Although you aren’t above breaking a sweat to get what you want, you know the difference between smart work and dumb work. You don’t waste your time toiling away at things that won’t provide a benefit. It always has to be goal-oriented with you. You see every project to completion. You realize that there’s nothing essentially noble about destroying your back by being a lumberjack or getting cancer by cleaning up muck down in the sewers. You know that you can make just as much money with one savvy stock purchase than you could toiling into your 70s with menial labor. So although you may not be the hardest worker on this list, you are definitely the smartest worker.

SCORPIO

(October 23 – November 21)

You came from the working class and always knew that if you didn’t work hard, homelessness and starvation were ever-present possibilities. You learned to become a hard worker out of economic necessity rather than any abstract notions of morality or responsibility. You aren’t beset with the idea that there’s anything noble or honorable about work for the sake of work. Your main problem is that sometimes, out of an exaggerated sense of humility, you sell yourself short. You should focus on your negotiation skills. Once you know how to negotiate better, you won’t need to work nearly as hard as you do.

GEMINI

(May 21 – June 20)

Sometimes you’re a worker, sometimes you’re a shirker. The world would expect nothing more (or less) from the Twins. You go through long periods where you are having loads of fun and being completely irresponsible. But eventually that sends your life into chaos and poverty, so you are forced to pull yourself together and start working overtime, which has you avoiding all forms of leisure. But then that, too, bottoms out after a while, so you go back to being lazy. It’s an endless loop. Your problem is that you can never reconcile these conflicting behaviors. You can’t integrate working hard and playing hard.

CANCER

(June 21 – July 22)

You live for the weekend and dread the week. When the alarm clock buzzes on Monday morning, it sounds to you like the executioner summoning you down to the gallows. You would rather inherit money—or find a sack full of dollars that fell out of a Brinks truck—than ever lift a finger or a bat an eyelash slaving away for meager wages. But I’ve figured out your problem—it isn’t that you don’t like to work, it’s that you’ve chosen a career path where you wind up doing jobs that you absolutely despise. With a little instruction and even a wee bit of intimidation, you can be persuaded to pivot and change career paths. You need to learn how to make money doing what you love to do—and at that point, it won’t seem like work.

LIBRA

(September 23 – October 22)

Your scales are tipped halfway between indolence and diligence. You are able to balance hard work and hardcore slacking to the point that you wind up in some dim midrange area where employers are never sure whether to give you a raise or a pink slip. You do just enough so that you don’t get fired but so little that you hardly ever get promoted. You like to hide in the middle—neither too good nor too bad—and at least for now, it works for you.

PISCES

(February 19 – March 20)

Excuses, excuses. You are filled to the gills with them. You’re the type who likes to call in sick. Or you’ll ask for time off because your favorite cousin just died, forgetting that two months ago you got two weeks off with pay because your favorite cousin died. You postpone work until the last minute and then make excuses when your work is shoddy. You hand in every assignment late and find creative reasons for your serial tardiness.  You break promises and give up too soon. You can only be compelled to work hard via threats—either of firing or a right good spanking.

TAURUS

(April 20 – May 20)

You’re a bit of a lazy bull, Taurus. Hard worker? More like hardly working. If you’re on a team project, you will do literally nothing and claim most of the credit for the work that others do. If you’re on a solo project, your first priority is coming up with excuses for why you can’t complete it on time. You basically view all work as slavery and depict all of your efforts to avoid work as part of a righteous process of self-emancipation. You may be able to fool yourself with this self-exculpatory alibi, but it doesn’t take long for everyone around you to get wise to the fact that you’re a slacker.

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22 – December 21)

You are an Olympic-grade procrastinator. There is only one thing you work very hard at, and that’s coming up with new and creative excuses to avoid working hard. You’d rather do nothing than something. You’d rather do nothing than anything. Even thinking about having to work makes you roll over in bed and hit the snooze button. While you may agree with me that your lack of motivation and focus are the source of most of your personal and financial problems, none of those problems seem as remotely painful to you as having to put in an honest day’s work. The irony is that because you take the easy way out, as long as you avoid complete financial ruin, you may outlive us all.

AQUARIUS

(January 19 – February 18)

You feel the world owes you a free lunch. But the minute you’re done eating your free lunch—as well as scarfing down another free lunch that had gone unclaimed—you impatiently ask when your free dinner will be ready. Let’s just say that you’ve been a bit pampered, OK? You are living proof of the principle that when you ask nothing of people, they deliver every time. Friends, lovers, and employers all realize very quickly that you take far more than you give. You’re fun to spend free time with, but your sense of entitlement makes you a horrendous coworker.

LEO

(July 23 – August 22)

Leo, you are not a lean, ferocious lion. At the risk of hurting your feelings, I’d say you are more like a lazy house cat. Unlike Capricorn, who feels guilty when they get things for free, you try to make others feel guilty when they don’t give you things for free. You are the weakest link in any chain, which is why many teams would rather disband than have you as their member. You can’t wait until the only work you ever have to do is to sign your Universal Basic Income check. You’re so lazy, I’m a little surprised you put in the effort to scroll to the bottom of this article.