(September 23 – October 22)
Your symbol, the Scales, represents how well you balance a checkbook. The word “frugal” doesn’t even begin to describe how careful you are with money. You savor every dollar like it’s your last dying gasp of air. It’s a historical fact that copper wire was invented when you fought someone else over a penny. You open your wallet so infrequently, it makes a creaking sound like a coffin on the rare occasions that you open it. You open your wallet so infrequently that moths fly out of it when you do. And this is why your star sign boasts more billionaires than any other.
(October 23 – November 21)
You’re a calculating little arachnid, dear Scorpion. Nature has blessed you with incredible mental focus and an analytical mind that make it easy for you to see the big picture. You never take dumb risks. You aren’t averse to lending money to friends and business associates, but you also won’t hesitate to demand it back—with interest if they’re slacking. You enrich everything around you—but only after enriching yourself first. You are so financially responsible, you injure my self-esteem. But anyway, I have this great idea that’s sure to make a ton of money, but I need an investor…
(March 21 – April 19)
You’re neither a miser nor a spendthrift. You’re good at planning and saving. If I lost my wallet, I would trust you to return it with every dollar intact. Your only flaw is that you’re a little too naïve about others’ intentions. Because you are too trusting, you make yourself vulnerable to being swindled, scammed, or—perish the thought—even boondoggled. Oh—and you’re also impatient. Did I say you only had one flaw? Sorry, you have two. Your lack of patience often leads you to make rash decisions. Don’t ever make any financial decisions—even the purchase of an expensive latte—without an accountant by your side and a 24-hour waiting period.
(April 20 – May 20)
Making money isn’t nearly as difficult for you as holding onto it. You like things. Nice things. Nice, expensive things. Nice, shiny, glittering, glimmering things that are so expensive, they could bankrupt you. You can be extremely hard-working and diligent one day. The next day, you’ll go on some kind of bender and wind up penniless and in need of a lawyer. Consistency. That’s what you need. Stop being such a flighty bull. Keep making money—that’s the good part. You’re very good at making it. But stop throwing it away as if dollars are used Burger King wrappers.
(June 21 – July 22)
You are extremely protective of your assets because you’re a hard-shelled crab. This is both a virtue and a flaw. As the saying goes, when you build a wall around yourself, you not only keep out the bad stuff—you keep out all the good stuff as well. You never go into debt. You don’t realize that rich people earn their fortunes by going into debt. Caution can be valuable when managing your finances. It can also be fatal. This is where financial responsibility turns into a liability rather than an asset. Money is for spending. It’s a mathematical fact that inflation always goes up and never down, so the longer you hold onto that money, it’s losing value. Things don’t get more expensive—the dollar gets weaker. So live a little. Spend a little. You’ll thank me in the morning.
(August 23 – September 22)
You tend to get mired in small details and not the big picture. You are a very hard worker, but that’s part of the problem. Working hard isn’t the only way to make money. There are plenty of people who work from sunrise to sunset and still have trouble making ends meet. Your problem is that you don’t think hard about the future. Thinking hard, and not necessarily working hard, is something that all rich people have in common. It’s possible to be too practical. To build a fortune, you need to take risks. Then again, Virgins aren’t known for being reckless. It’s time to lose your financial virginity. It only hurts the first time.
(May 21 – June 20)
Ahh, the Twins—the most exciting and infuriating sign in the zodiac. You are not known for being stable. As a result of your split personality, you are also financially bipolar. Rich and poor. Careful and reckless. Frugal one day, spending money like a drunken sailor the next. You are great at making money and also great at throwing it all away. Gambling is a problem. And get-rich-quick schemes. The problem is that you immediately follow up your get-rich-quick scheme with a get-poor-quick scheme. You’re bored unless your life is like a roller coaster. Will you finally at least split into two people via mitosis? You’re giving me a headache.
(November 22 – December 21)
You tell everyone that you’re not good with money, but you act like it’s an affliction rather than a decision. Being bad with money is not a disease—it’s a choice. If you spent half the time that you spend complaining that you don’t have any money and instead spent it on figuring out new ways to make money, you wouldn’t be so worried about money all the time. You need to balance making money and spending it. You’re the Archer—take one arrow and shoot it up into the sky just to see where it lands.
(December 22 – January 19)
You have an addictive personality. This applies to both work and play. All work and no play makes Capricorn one dull goat, but it also makes you money. On the other hand, all play and no work makes Capricorn one broke-ass poor goat. You can make ten years of solid financial decisions and then blow it all with a few reckless moves. I would not trust you with my car keys. Or any of my passwords. Or any of my deepest personal secrets. But more than anything, I would not trust you to accept money from me to go buy me lunch and then return with either the money or the lunch. I would only trust you to abscond with my money and buy yourself lunch.
(January 20 – February 18)
Your problem isn’t that you’re especially reckless with money—it’s that you’re too generous with others. Because you are an idealist rather than a pragmatist, you only tend to see money as something that can help people. But you’ve relied too much on the spiritual and the “common good” and not nearly enough on the practical and your own personal welfare. You didn’t realize that every philanthropist’s rule is to wait until you’ve made your fortune before you decide to save humanity.
(July 23 – August 22)
As with Aquarius, your generosity is your financial undoing. Some will see your generosity as weakness rather than kindness. As a result, they will attempt to exploit you. No one has ever called you cheap. But it’s better to be cheap than broke. “Neither a lender nor a borrower be” is your motto. And that, my friend, is why you never have any money. As the Good Book says, “Cast your bread upon the waters, and it will return to you tenfold.” Then again, you’ll have a lot of soggy bread on your hands. But it’ll be ten times as much soggy bread.
(February 19 – March 20)
Money burns a hole in your pocket, which is why you’ve never kept a dollar past sunset. You’re the last person on this list to whom I’d lend money. You’re also the last I’d borrow money from—that’s because you never have any money. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. You’re actually a very good person. You’re just bad with money. Abstractions such as truth and love tend to matter more to you much more than concrete things such as dollars and cents. On one level, that’s very admirable and virtuous. But it’s also why you’re a walking, breathing financial disaster. It’s possible to be too generous. You are a living example of this. Your selflessness means you wind up with nothing for yourself.