Cabin in the Woods

Here’s The Role You’d Play In A Slasher Film, Based On Your Zodiac

Would you survive a slasher film? Let’s find out how you’ll do.


The hothead.

You’ve got the will of a survivor, but your temper sure isn’t going to save you. You’ll try to lead the group and get everyone to safety (and probably clash with everyone along the way), but inevitably you’ll do something brash and impulsive and get yourself killed. But at least you tried?


The headstrong strategist.

You’re a good resource for people to have, because you’re attentive and thorough. Unfortunately, you can be a little bullheaded. You’re not going to love when people question your well-thought-out ideas, and you’ll probably go through with your own plan even when everyone else refuses to. It’s that kind of stubbornness that gets you killed, Taurus, and probably a few other people, too.


The backstabber.

You’re the person who ~promises~ to help everyone get out alive and then immediately throws your best friend under the bus. What’s another death as long as you get out safely, right? But just you wait — you end up dying at the end, too, because karma, bitch.


The healer.

You just want to be there for everybody, and that’s your downfall. There’s a lot of negative emotions going around, and you’re going to try to save everyone you can — maybe even the murderer (what if he’s just misunderstood?) You’ll let your guard down at the wrong moment, and that’ll be the last anyone sees of you.


The hero.

You love the limelight, Leo, and here’s your chance to stand in it. You’re brave, loyal and stubborn, the perfect mix for someone who just wants to take the lead and get everyone out alive. Will you piss people off along the way? Probably. But will you die? Well, also probably, but hey, you’ll last longer than most people.


The rationalist.

People need you, Virgo. Even in times of distress you’re able to think straight, which is definitely helpful when everyone else is on the verge of a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, you’re too helpful, so you’re bound to die in the first half of the film. You had a good run, though.


The first to die.

You can be charming, if not a little narcissistic. You definitely bring a fun dynamic into the group — that is, until you’re murdered and set off the whole chain of events. We never really got to know you, but hey, you kind of seemed like you’d be cool to hang out with?


The secret sociopath.

You’re not the killer, but you might as well be. You’re the mysterious person in the group that no one really knows and no one really trusts, either. Probably a good idea, since you have some skeletons in the closet (maybe even literally). You’ll survive, even if it means killing the murderer himself.


The promiscuous friend.

Nothing’s wrong with hooking up and having a little fun. That is, as long as you aren’t in a horror movie. Sorry, Sag, not only will people call you a “slut” regularly, but you’re also not going to make it to the end of the movie alive. At least you’ll probably die in a really sexy way?


The murderer.

Sorry, Cap, we all know you’re a creepy sociopath and nothing you can say will convince us otherwise.


The joker.

Let’s face it — you’re weird, Aquarius. You’ll bring your own brand of quirky comic relief to the group, but that can only save you for so long. After all, your one-liners may make us all snort with laughter, but that doesn’t exactly add to the scary factor of the film. You were fun while you lasted.


The virgin.

OK, maybe you aren’t actually a virgin, but you’re definitely the wide-eyed damsel in distress. You can’t do anything for yourself, and no one really knows how you made it so far, but you’ll make it out alive anyway — only because Hollywood wants to make a statement about purity and goodness or something like that.