I’m A Capricorn, And This Is What I Learned From Dating Each Zodiac

In honor of finally experiencing my first run in with the infamous male Virgo, I have officially romantically traversed the full astrological chart so you don’t have to! For better or for worse, here are the lessons I’ve learned after dating each astrological sign.

Aries

Me: (Sarcastic) At least I’m still pretty. 

Aries: And where has that gotten you in life besides free drinks?

Aries men are blunt and direct, so you’re either on the same frequency or you’re not. I went out with an Aries. His sarcasm became exhausting, but I had to bite my tongue or else I ran the risk of splitting the bill. We went on one date and one date was all I needed. The rapport was dry. The chemistry was dry. The kiss was the opposite of wet. He was incredibly cynical yet overly sensitive and took himself way too seriously. This one also had zero social awareness.

His ego took a hit when I said I didn’t want to go home with him. He marched off and muttered, “Hope you enjoyed the free meal.” As a matter of fact, I did, and from then on I was a man-eater. And by man-eater I mean malnourished. 

Taurus

Taurus: (Via text) I’m done chasing!! Why don’t you leave me the fuck alone and see how much involvement you get from me then??

21 hours, 13 drunk calls, and six texts later.

Taurus: (Via text) I’m so sorry… I’ll love you forever… lol oh wait… I’ll see you tomorrow.

Me: [?????]

I find Taurus men to be quite polarizing. I learned that they are very passionate and often artistic, though incredibly stubborn and unable to recognize their own limits. I dated two. One was a mama’s boy and the other thought he was the greatest thing since Shrek 2

The latter proudly mentioned that he was “raised by women” and that I could “fix him.” Then one day he walked out of the driver’s seat of the car and left me alone at a red light after losing an argument. He was also incredibly manipulative and condescending. I realized that I should never date a man who hates his life because he’ll eventually hate me too. We ended things on bad terms, which bothered me because I’m not a bitter person. So I hand wrote a heartfelt goodbye letter, then right after I delivered it he slid into my best friend’s DMs. 

It’s fine, most Taurus men don’t even own a car.

Gemini

Gemini: (Via text) Wait… we were still meeting up tonight?

Me: (At the bar we agreed to meet at two hours prior) **sigh**

That’s more or less the beginning, middle, and end of my “Gemini era”.

Cancer

Cancer: (Black out drunk) You’re like sooooooooo hot. You’re like in my head allll the time.

Me: I really don’t know what you mean by that-

Proceeds to try and kiss me while his girlfriend was quite literally standing right in front of us watching.

Cancer men are another mixed bag. I’ve had my run-in with two. Both of them had girlfriends that I was unaware of at the time. They are incredibly emotional, which is either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on which Cancer you’re talking to. What I’ve observed is that because of their addiction to intimacy and affection, this causes cancers to either be incredibly loyal or have zero self-control.

There do exist Cancer men who were truly “raised by women”. My baby brother is a cancer—my mother Maria and I raised him, and as a result he’s a man written by a woman. Now he’s married.

With that said, I think cancer men will either be the best people you ever meet or the worst. Overall, I’ve found that Cancer men are still more likely to commit long-term even if some of those men are dogs. 

Leo

Me: You led me on.

Leo: No I didn’t. 

Me: I literally told you I was looking for a relationship a month ago. 

Leo: Oh, yeah… sorry. 

If a Leo man speaks and nobody is there to hear it, does the Leo even make a sound? Leos are notorious for their need for constant validation and attention. If you zone out while a Leo man is talking, you run the risk of deleting his existence entirely. Probably a Soundcloud rapper.

On the positive side, I did respect this one Leo’s dedication and commitment to his career pursuits. He also paid for everything, which was sweet. Besides leading me on, he was cool. Sex was mid. Jokes aside, I think Leos are a good romantic investment, but like any sign, it really just comes down to compatibility. 

Virgo

Virgo: I wAs RaIsEd By WoMeN

Me: (Rolling my eyes so hard they’re about to fall out of my skull)…Most of us are.

Okay, so full disclosure, I’m currently talking to the male Virgo. Originally he royally pissed me off, so I ripped him a new one in the first draft of this article, but then we talked it out and he apologized. His effort to make amends was quite touching, but admittedly it has been a rough week for me in the group chat.

He got lucky that divine intervention stepped in. And by divine intervention, I mean Mother Maria lectured me for being a dismissive bitch. I know this sign has a mixed reputation, but the Virgo and I are good for now (*sighs in horny*).

First kiss was at a gay bar. Not sure what to make of that, astrologically speaking.

To summarize, I’ve learned that Virgos probably listen to Drake. Why Drake? They think he did something. 

Libra

Libra: You’re a smart girl… but you trust the wrong people. 

1 month later

Libra: (Goes through my text messages without permission)

First off, the last thing anyone could ever call me is shallow. Take that as you will. After a slew of dating disappointments, I thought maybe it was time for me to give the nice guys a chance. This Libra was very charismatic and we got along well as friends. He was quite persistent romantically, so I gave him a chance. 

Once we were official, he was very different. The confidence was a lie and he would project his insecurities onto me if another man so much as farted in my direction. Sometimes men give me unwanted attention. I can’t help being both hot and funny. Two months in, he suspected that I had cheated, so he went through my text messages and discovered that not only am I loyal, but also he was a dumbass. I immediately broke it off. 

Main takeaway from dating a Libra; giving the nice guys a chance makes no difference at all. It’s patriarchal propaganda. Men are men. After that, I told myself I would rather take my chances and only date hot guys. My best advice is that if you’re going to date a Libra, only date the hot ones. Why? Libras are considered one of the most attractive zodiacs. So if you’re dating a “nice guy” Libra, know that something is very wrong.

Scorpio

Scorpio: You know The Beatles?!

Me: I’m pretty sure everyone knows The Beatles.

Scorpio: (Sheds a single tear as he gazes into my eyes) yOu’Re Not LiKe ThE oThEr GiRls.

I think there’s a difference between a man who is romantic and a man who acts like we’re living in a romantic comedy. Romantic is surprising me with flowers. Romantic comedy is when you stroke my cheek and sing “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable” by The Smiths acapella after I’ve already asked you twice to leave. Scorpio men are the latter. This one male Scorpio I encountered was a film snob with several unfinished “Tarantino-esque” (as he put it) screenplays who had his ex’s name tattooed on his inner lip. He swore we were living in “500 Days of Summer”. For context, It was the middle of winter. 

I enjoy the company of a man in touch with his emotions, but let’s not over-do it now. The Scorpio spent $600 on Hans Zimmer tickets for our first date, and it wasn’t until halfway through the date did he admit to me that it was actually his birthday and his family had “disowned” him that morning. I wonder if it had something to do with the fact that he was now a 26-year-old man living at home.

This Scorpio specimen was full of surprises! After he kissed me goodnight, he had the nerve to gaze off into the void like this was an episode of “Fleabag” and say, “This is the greatest night of my life.” …We met on Tinder. 

I’m not quite sure what to make of the male Scorpio. This, I fear, is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sagittarius

Server: Here’s your check.

Sagittarius: (Not a single coherent thought to be found) 

Me: …We can just split the bill.

There were so many things wrong with this Sagittarius. He was an alcoholic. He called himself a feminist and owned an RBG shirt yet refused to wear a condom. He nicknamed himself after a cartoon character. He voted for Hillary because she was a woman but flipped me off for forgetting to shut his bedroom door. His energy was giving “guy who asks for a prenup but his salary doesn’t break 50k”. I can’t make this stuff up.

Capricorn

Me: So, tell me about yourself.

Capricorn: Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino 

I had a brief fling with a male Capricorn in my parents’ basement. He swore he was the main character, and to be honest, maybe he was. 

Aquarius

Aquarius: (Via text) u up?

A drop down menu appears. Your answer options are limited to “yes” and **send nudes**

NPC. Lied about being a democrat. Meaningful conversation with this Aquarius I knew was impossible due to his limited processing speeds. He lagged a lot whenever I asked “What are we?” so I had to restart my router several times. He was emotionally manipulative yet impressively too oblivious to realize that other people perceived him. 

The bottom line is, Aquarius men are either drug dealers or a glitch in the matrix. There is no in between. 

Pisces

Pisces: (As he reveals an acoustic guitar from his back pocket) I wrote this song that I want to play for you. It’s not about you, though.

The song was literally seven minutes long.

Pisces are the kind of men who will inexplicably whip out an acoustic guitar and unsolicitedly serenade you as you’re sitting there on a peeling faux leather couch, trying to act amused when really you’re just deeply disturbed. Notice how whenever this happens it’s always the dudes who learned how to play three chords for the first time a week ago. This male Pisces was so entangled in the webs of his own mediocrity that he didn’t even notice me texting my girlfriends live updates during the fourth chorus (because adding that fourth chorus was exactly what this song needed).

In conclusion, most male Pisces refer to movies as “cinema”.