The Sad Song For Each Zodiac To Cry To This Valentine’s Day

Oh, Valentine’s Day – that gloriously overhyped, chocolate-coated, floral-scented love fest that either sends you swooning into a lover’s arms or diving headfirst into the nearest tub of ice cream. And because the stars seemingly dictate our destinies, personalities, and now our playlists, here’s the ultimate sad song lineup for each zodiac sign to weep to this Valentine’s. Because, let’s face it, sometimes the universe just gets it wrong. So, grab your tissues (or your cat, or both), and let’s find your heartache anthem.

Aries: “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor

Yes, Aries, you’re fiery and fiercely independent, but who says you can’t have a dramatic solo dance-cry session to Gloria Gaynor? It’s the angry cry you didn’t know you needed, channeling all that breakup rage into dance moves so fierce, your ex will feel the burn from miles away.

Taurus: “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen

Taurus, my luxurious, comfort-loving friend, this is your moment to shine in your most fabulous pajamas, surrounded by all the comfort food. Eric Carmen gets you. It’s a song to eat ice cream to, a ballad to which you can dramatically lip-sync using a spoon as your microphone. Truly, a masterpiece of self-pity.

Gemini: “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye

Ah, Gemini, with your dual personalities, this song is perfect for flipping between “I’m so over them” and “But what if…” in a matter of seconds. Plus, painting yourself into a Gotye-inspired music video is the arts and crafts project you didn’t know you needed this Valentine’s.

Cancer: “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinéad O’Connor

Oh, Cancer, you deep, soulful creature with emotions as vast as the ocean. Sinéad understands. She’s got you covered for that dramatic, tearful stare into the distance, pondering what went wrong. Bonus points if it’s raining outside and you can press your hand against a window.

Leo: “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson

Leo, you’re all about drama, and Kelly Clarkson’s anthem allows you to belt out your sorrows with just the right touch of “I’m better off without you” sass. It’s the perfect blend of heartbreak and empowerment, with hair flips strongly encouraged.

Virgo: “Someone Like You” by Adele

Virgo, ever the perfectionist, even your sad songs are classy. Adele’s powerful ballad is perfect for you to analyze every single detail of what went wrong, while also belting out notes that you’ll pretend weren’t quite as off-key as they were.

Libra: “Back to December” by Taylor Swift

Libra, you’re all about balance and harmony, but even you can’t resist a good, nostalgic cry over what could have been. Taylor’s apology anthem is perfect for reminiscing about past loves, with a side of dramatic regret and a dash of hope.

Scorpio: “Un-break My Heart” by Toni Braxton

Scorpio, with your intensity and passion, Toni Braxton is the only one who can match your level of dramatic heartache. It’s a soul-crushing ballad that you can brood to, perfect for plotting your emotional comeback—or your revenge.

Sagittarius: “I Want to Break Free” by Queen

Sagittarius, your free spirit can’t be caged by mere emotions, and Queen’s “I Want to Break Free” is the perfect escape anthem. It’s all about breaking free from the chains of love (or whatever was holding you back), and with Freddie Mercury’s powerful vocals to inspire you, you’ll be booking your next solo adventure before the song even ends. Channel that restlessness into a fabulous dance-off with your shadow. It’s the Sagittarian way – turning heartache into a quest for freedom and self-discovery.

Capricorn: “The Scientist” by Coldplay

Capricorn, practical and disciplined, yet with a hidden depth of emotion, Coldplay’s reflective ballad is your go-to. It’s cerebral and heartfelt, allowing you to logically dissect the breakup while secretly wiping away a tear.

Aquarius: “Loser” by Beck

Aquarius, ever the intellectual rebel, you might find yourself scoffing at the lovey-dovey chaos of Valentine’s Day, feeling more out of sync than ever. Enter Beck’s “Loser” – the anthem for those who’ve turned self-deprecation into an art form. With its biting refrain, “I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?” it’s the perfect backdrop for your disdainful smirks at passing couples. Let’s face it: sometimes, you feel like the odd one out, navigating love and life with the grace of a giraffe on ice skates.

Pisces: “Crying” by Roy Orbison

Pisces, oh you dreamer with the heart of a poet, Roy Orbison’s classic is your ideal soundtrack for weeping into your journal. It’s vintage, it’s emotional, and it’s got just the right amount of melodrama for your Valentine’s Day soul-searching.