This Is How You Learn To Love Yourself

I’m not here to tell you to love yourself.

Because I know it’s been said to you quite a lot. I know it’s been said all over the internet and on every social media platform. I know a dozen people’s WhatsApp statuses or Instagram captions have said it. I know that your favorite influencers have said it. 

I’m not here to tell you that, because I know it’s easier said than done. And very few of us actually know how to.

But let me ask you this one thing: Do you know how to love someone else?

Your spouse, your partner, your mother, your brother, your sister, your father, your grandmother, your best friend. Do you know how to love them? How do you love them, really?

Maybe you understand them well. Maybe you know why they say certain things or behave in certain ways. You know them well, or at least enough to love them. You show up for them when they need you.

You notice their little things that often go unnoticed. If their world is in chaos, you ensure you can be of some comfort to them. You support them in their endeavors. And you believe in them.

You see their potential, which they often themselves don’t see. You root for them. You make time for them. You try to make their lives easier and pump them to do better than they’ve been doing.

Of course, you do have your standards and boundaries. It’s not like you will tolerate anything and everything from them — and you obviously shouldn’t! You put yourself first, but you know that they are also important to you. And you make sure you let them know that — either through your actions or through both your words and actions. 

You make room for them in your life. And you expect the same from them. While Shakespeare has told us not to have any expectations, I beg to differ — because we’re only human! If we’re giving and giving without any reciprocation, we’re just exploiting ourselves. That’s not a healthy way to love, right? 

In certain kinds of love, such as that towards a spouse or significant other, you don’t let yourself find perfection in other persons when your love for your person is true and pure. 

Sure, there may be someone else (or many others) more good-looking, smarter, taller, wittier, richer, happier, nicer, more popular, more this, and more that. But you just acknowledge and appreciate that person’s good qualities and existence — without wanting to be with them. Because you know the worth of what you currently have, and you’re content with that. You’re constantly improving yourself, and your person is improving themselves. What you have with them is pure, sacred, and you don’t want to ruin that. They’re enough for you. They’re perfect for you. You don’t let yourself find perfection in that other person(s). 

To those who you love, you’re giving acceptance. For who they’ve been and who they are. You’re looking forward to who they want to be. While they’re looking forward to who you want to be. There’s mutual trust and understanding. And the equation is far deeper than mere words. The relationship is more important than the humdrum of the world. 

This is love. This is how you’ve been loving those who you love, haven’t you?

Your family, your friends, your pet, your significant other. This is how you’ve been loving them. So you do know how to love. 

Now, read the above paragraphs again and understand how you love. And then give that to yourself. 

Understand yourself. Know yourself. Know what you like and dislike. And why you like or dislike it. 

Find healthy and soothing ways to comfort yourself when you’re in need of comfort. And believe in yourself! Ask your mind to shut up. Don’t let it sabotage your success. You have to believe in yourself first, and the most. 

See your own potential; root for you. Make time for yourself. Care about yourself and your health. Have your standards and boundaries with other people, and communicate them politely.

Make room for you in your life — it’s not always about others. Acknowledge and appreciate perfection in other people (those who are more this and more that than you), but don’t envy who they are and don’t wish you were them. Be you, and continue your journey of improving yourself. That said, you can have what they have one day if you truly want it. But make sure your want is coming from a place of love and ambition — and not jealousy and bitterness.

Work on accepting yourself for who you are. You’re the real deal, and you must accept the whole package — unconditionally. Trust yourself. Follow through with your decisions. And make yourself important. Live your life authentically. 

It’s all a journey. It won’t be easy, and it will get messy. You might snap at yourself sometimes or go into a self-criticism spiral time and again. Stick with it anyway. You’ll figure things out. So why not try to make your life easier while you’re in the process?

Other people will have a dozen opinions about how you should be. Cherry-pick which opinions matter the most.

Again, I’m not telling you to love yourself. I’m just showing you that you’ve been loving other people your whole life in your own ways. And the love you’ve been so freely giving away, you can give that same love to yourself. You get to decide how to do that for you. Go through the healing. Show up for yourself.

I’m still working on that, by the way. So this is your invitation to be a work in progress. Make your equation with yourself far deeper than mere words. Because you really are enough for you!