What I Wish I Could Say When People Ask Why I’m Still Single

I arrive at the family gathering, attend a friend’s wedding, and enter the work event—by myself. While everyone comes in two by two, I attempt to board this arc alone. Much like the elephant in the room that everyone stares at, but no one really sees.

Still, I never bring a friend, as though I should be embarrassed to be content in my own company. Even when a couple walks my way, looking at me like I have lost a limb. I don’t need to be propped up by an arm resting on my lower back, supporting me as I walk. My two feet work just fine by themselves (that is, until I have had too much to drink just to keep the swell of small talk at bay—then I may need a little help). 

But it all leads to a question that is kept at bay until the boundaries of civility have subsided: “So, is there no one special in your life? No other half? No partner in crime?”

“No, it’s just me; sorry that I am not enough.” That is what I wish I’d say, anyway. In the past, I have smiled and shrugged and just commented “Not yet,” as though I haven’t been lucky in love. 

I have heard this question for many years, as for many years, things haven’t changed. And the same people (sometimes with different partners) continue to ask, is it still just you? 

Yes, just me, still me, only me. 

Now, if I were to be given the time to think my answer through (as though I didn’t need to have a witty response to lighten the mood), if I were allowed to go into a more in-depth notion of what a relationship means to me, and if I could hold the attention past polite conversations, I would probably respond with something like this: Yes, it’s been a while, and yes, I have come to another gathering alone because, if I’m truly honest, I am looking for something more than a chaperone. 

I don’t need the security of another or to look at them for a joint answer for how I feel. I am not concerned that I am missing out, wasting time, or avoiding a rite of passage. There is no God of love I have to appease and no photo I have to post for others to like. My life omits standards that society tells me I have to meet, checklists I have to tick, or milestones I have to reach. 

I am single because love means so much to me. 

Much more than financial or aesthetic purpose, more than a fear of missing out. Love to me is about setting new heights, not just for settling down. 

As the outsiders looking in continue to press the question, and when the conversation starts to feel more like an interrogation, I turn to a card that speaks of regret, past mistakes, and opportunities I didn’t take. This is when they think they have the answer to why I am alone and make their final attempt to make me seem as normal as them. 

“Get over the past and find someone new!”

Once again, the point has been missed. I bring up the past to explain the love I have felt and the love I look for. I do not wait for “you” to come back, but I will wait; I will look for someone who makes me feel the way “you” do. 

When true love is experienced, it sets a tone, a path, and hopes for something that elates. I am told that love is about compromise, and yes, you are right, but love can also create. Love can mean something different to each and every one of us, and mine may be a little off the beaten track, but that is fine with me as I have always loved searching for a new path to pave.

Others will tell me that I’m holding out for something that doesn’t exist, and that is fine for them to say, think, or believe. Still, without doubt and without being naïve, I know I can check the depths of my soul where my fears and inhibitions live and see with absolute clarity. I am not holding out; much like faith, I will always have a belief in something that may not have always been seen. So, despite how uncomfortable it may make others feel, I will continue to search for a love that is right for me. 

Synergy.