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How To Ask Out Your Crush, Based On Their Attachment Style

If there was a one-size-fits-all approach to asking someone out, a lot of strife in the dating world would just be gone. Alas, it’s unfortunately not that easy. What might be an attractive way to be asked out in the eyes of one person might seem “too much” to another. This all comes down to “attachment style.” Your Attachment Style, formed in part during childhood, describes how you develop relationships as an adult.

There are four Attachment Styles, and how you ask out your crush depends on which one they are. You can determine their attachment style by watching how they react to attention from other people in social situations or how they’ve handled relationships and breakups in the past. Below, we’ll discuss each style and how you can ask someone out if they fall under its definition.

Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious attachment style tend to over-analyze every interaction. Because they assume the worst, it takes a lot for them to accept when someone likes them. If you’re crushing hard for someone with an Anxious attachment style, make it clear that you’re asking them out. Using phrases like “hang out” or “get coffee” will just leave them filled with stress at having to decipher what you mean. Instead, say something like this:

Hi! I really like you. I was wondering if I could take you out on a date this week. How about dinner?

By using the word “date,” you’re leaving them with little opportunity to assume the worst. And adding a prospective activity for the date also lessens their anxiety when tasked with planning the outing.

Avoidant Attachment

Someone with an Avoidant attachment style feels the urge to flee anytime someone gets too close. They’re the types who prefer to keep things casual and low-pressure. If you’re crushing on someone who’s Avoidant, you want to be incredibly subtle. Where you have to be super explicit with your words with an Anxious person, the opposite is true for an Avoidant. Say something like this:

Hey, let me know if you want to hang out some time.

If you profess your feelings for them or use the word “date,” they’ll think you’re coming on too strong and ghost you. Not only should you be chill and vague, but you should leave it up to them to make the next move. If they like you, they’ll take it the rest of the way.

Disorganized Attachment

Those with a Disorganized attachment style tend to be a mix of the previous two. While they want to find love, they still get spooked easily if someone is showing them interest. If you’re crushing on someone Disorganized, choose a similar approach to an Avoidant, but make it clear what you mean. Say something like this:

I really like you. Let me know if you want to hang out some time.

It’s still up to them to make things happen if they like you, but at least they know what you want from this. By saying “I really like you,” you’re satisfying the Anxious half of them that makes them overanalyze the motives of everyone around them.

Secure Attachment

Someone with a Secure attachment style is the one we all strive to be. They might have a little anxiety or avoidance here and there–because we’re all human–but mostly they just approach their relationships in a really healthy way. If you’re crushing on someone Secure, all you have to do is be yourself when asking them out. Don’t use any games or strategies, just tell them how you feel. If they reciprocate those feelings, you’ll end up on a date in no time.