I Almost Thought Our Almost Relationship Meant Something
Clay Banks

I Almost Thought Our Almost Relationship Meant Something

I almost believed that the constant texts and compliments meant something, that I meant something. I almost thought that you were serious when you told me how much you liked me and how you just weren’t ready for a relationship right now. I almost bought into the paper-thin lies and excuses that you spit out whenever you were too busy to hang out with me, when you were secretly choosing someone else. I almost believed that you were being honest with me because there was never a second where I was dishonest with you.  

I almost believed that I could make you happy, that I was what you wanted, that I was capable of giving you everything that you craved in another person. I almost believed that we would have been happy together, that we would have fit each other perfectly, that our flaws would align in all the right ways and our strengths would build each other up. I almost believed that we made sense together, that our chemistry was off-the-charts, that there was no possible way to pull us apart.

I almost trusted you with my heart. Almost thought that you would be able to protect it, to treat it with gentle hands since you knew how much I’d been through in the past – and you’d been through the same. I almost thought that you were the person who was meant to stay with me for the long haul, that we were going to carve out our own little love story, defy the odds and become that annoying couple that still loved each other even years after the excitement should have worn off.

I almost thought that your mixed signals were signs that you were scared, that you wanted me too but were terrified of things turning out poorly. I almost believed that the only reason you hesitated was because you were as broken as me, because we both had demons we needed to conquer before committing to each other. I almost thought that we were moving forward, slowly, but still moving, never stopping, growing closer and closer by the day.

I almost believed that your feelings were as strong as my own. That you were serious about wanting to see where our relationship would lead. That your heart beat as fast as mine when I stepped into the room and that you couldn’t get me off your mind the way that you never left mine. I almost believed that we were on the same page, that we wanted the same end goal – but of course I believed that because you convinced me to.  

In the end, I almost believed that it was my fault for trusting you, for falling so hard for you, for allowing myself to get attached to you – even though you strung me along, knowing how strong my feelings were for you. I almost blamed myself for losing you, almost thought that this was the worst heartbreak of my life, but it turns out that you were only saying what you thought I wanted to hear. You were only giving me part of your heart when I wanted the whole thing. You were only almost what I wanted, and not what I actually needed.