I’m tired of trying so hard to be a good person and getting it thrown back in my face. I’m tired of people treating me in the most hurtful, heartbreaking ways. I’m tired of trying to do the right thing, to play by the rules, to treat people with kindness, and then having them treat me like I’m nothing. I’m tired of feeling like no one cares, like no one wants me around, like no one understands the weight crushing down on me.
I’m tired of pretending everything is fine, so my life can continue on as normal, so I don’t cause any interruptions with my work or my family. I’m tired of faking smiles and sobbing behind closed doors because I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems or come across as unstable. I’m tired of putting one hundred percent of my effort into everything I do and getting zero results while other people are breezing past like everything comes easier to them.
I’m tired of feeling stupid when I reach out to someone, when I try to form a connection with someone, and they want nothing to do with me. I’m tired of watching everyone else post pictures with friends while I’m stuck alone, wondering why my schedule is always so empty. I work my hardest to make others comfortable, to treat others with respect, to push aside my judgments and give everyone a fair chance. And I feel like no one is giving me that same opportunity. I feel like no one wants me, needs me, sees me.
I’m tired of feeling so close to a breakdown so much of the time. I don’t want to be a negative person. I don’t want to bring down the energy in the room. I don’t want to complain when there are so many beautiful things in my world. But, at the same time, my feelings are valid. My experiences matter. I’m allowed to be upset, and allowed to voice my frustrations.
I’m tired of the anxious thoughts that won’t leave me alone. I’m tired of waiting for my mood to change, for the happiness to return again. I’m tired of doing all the right things—drinking enough water and exercising and journaling—and still not getting any relief. I’m tired of how hard it is to get through certain days inside of this brain.
I’m tired of trying so hard, every single day, and still feeling like my best isn’t good enough–but I’m not the only one feeling this way. There are other people out there going through the same pain, so I know I’m not alone. And I hope they know that, too.
I hope they know they’re going to get through this, that this sinking feeling is temporary even though it might have been lingering for a while. I hope they know there are people out there who care about them, even though they might not text every single day or hang out on weekends. I hope they know their existence matters, even if they have their doubts, even if their insecurities are screaming louder by the day. I hope they know holding on is worth it. I hope they know they’re stronger than they realize. It took strength to get here. And they can’t stop now.