You Remember The Bad Days Of Our Relationship, But I Can’t Forget The Good Ones

The way your eyes speak for you, I want to keep having that.

I still remember all the good days after all the bad ones. Despite the unpleasant moments and the crying nights, I still remember the good days. It plays in my head, the subtle feeling of nostalgia while falling deeply into the desperation of wanting you back but having no desire to feel the same pain time and time again.

The truth is, I want to keep having the good days — the better days, the days that are okay. I want to keep having you, and I remember all the times that we’re okay — how you said you’d never find a love like ours and that you’re never going to let go of that feeling.

I want to keep having the way your eyes glistened with joy, the way you said how grateful you were that you had us. But, the good days aren’t just that. There are mostly bad days, but I hate myself for remembering the seconds, the minutes, and the hours that we’re okay. I still remember the first time you uttered “I love you” while we were on a bed with a comfy blanket intertwined. I, perhaps, hold on to good days, and you only remember all the bad ones.

I loathed myself for remembering. And I hate you for forgetting. I hate you for letting go, but I cannot hate the whole of you. Because, despite everything, I still remember all the good days.

I can even still pinpoint all the single instances. They all crash into one massive avalanche of despair. It hits me in the most unexpected places: in a fast-paced grocery aisle, on a train, on the streets, and honestly, everywhere — you are just everywhere.

I’m at this point in time where I wish you were just a nightmare that passed by, but the brutal truth will always hit me that you were the reality I needed to accept — and, as trite as it may sound, you were a lesson I needed to learn. You weren’t just a nightmare, and you’ll never be. I’ll never wake up one day without your mark left on me.

I won’t wake up one day in a state of post-sleep shock because this is something I’ll remember even in my eyes wide-open days. I’ll remember how we started and how we ended. I’ll remember the ending. I’ll remember how you left. I’ll remember that one dreary afternoon in May.

The good days I wish to forget are real. You weren’t just a phase I’ll get over immediately. You were the truth I needed to learn, and wishing you were a nightmare was pointless. I needed to pass you by so I could appreciate life without you in it.

There are moments when I’m completely okay that everything between us is done. But there are seconds where I’ll find myself drenched in unsettling darkness. Except, mostly, it’s the shadow that overwhelms.

The hardest part could be knowing that you’ll always have a place in my head while I stopped running into yours long ago. I wish you were not the truth that kept me awake at night, but I needed to face that all of these are real.

I needed to remember how good the memories were: how we first met, how your smile caught my attention, and how that smile got me through the day.

I needed to remember how we turned one spontaneous night into one unexpected moment, the way you brushed my hair and how our legs were close to each other. The first kiss that we had — I needed to remember that. I needed to remind myself the way we first held each other’s hand.

Because the bad days are too easy to remember.

And maybe remembering the good things will help me heal somehow. Because no matter what I do, even if I refuse it, the memories we once had will always enter my mind unannounced.

I’m not sure when the thought of you will ever leave my mind. Maybe never. But trying to stop all these thoughts was harder than I thought it would be.

So, maybe writing it all down will help me ease the heavy feeling in my chest.

But I don’t know what really helps these days.

And if you come back, I know I’ll always let you in.

You’ll always have a place here. And I know, in the back of my mind, I still want to keep having all our good days.