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Your Post Breakup To-Do List, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

  • Updated

We all handle breakups differently. This is what you do right after either of you calls it quits, based on your zodiac.

Aries

  • Tell all your mutuals what happened so they can pick you in the “divorce.”
  • Get an entirely new haircut and color to celebrate this new single phase.
  • Cry for literally one day and then get over it.

Taurus

  • Cry for so long that you legit get so dehydrated that you run out of tears.
  • Buy yourself flowers, because they sure as hell never did.
  • Spend a month focusing on all the self-care you can come up with.

Gemini

  • Burn every single bridge with your now-ex that you can possibly come up with.
  • Flirt with their sibling regardless of whether you’re interested in them. (Bonus points if you are.)
  • Go to a party or bar and find your next fling.

Cancer

  • Create a nightly routine where you scroll through all their social media to see if they’ve moved on before you.
  • Annoy your friends with how often you talk about your ex.
  • Think about them for several years but insist that you’re totally over it.

Leo

  • Meet up with every friend individually so you can give them the dramatic retelling of every moment of the breakup over and over again.
  • Buy yourself something nice, because you deserve it.
  • Look for someone hotter and better so your ex can feel jealous when they see you both on your IG.

Virgo

  • Block them in every possible way.
  • Daydream about the myriad ways you could ruin their life and never get caught.
  • Unblock them in your weakest moments to see if they’ve moved on, then cry yourself to sleep when you realize they have.

Libra

  • Insist that you remain friends, even if the breakup was incredibly heartbreaking.
  • Tell your friend circle that things don’t have to be awkward, even though they totally are.
  • Text one of the friends you have a crush on that you’ve been keeping on the bench.

Scorpio

  • Gather up everything they left at your place and burn it all to the ground, literally.
  • Tell everyone that you’re fine, even though you’re secretly falling apart.
  • Have a fling with someone you’d never normally be interested in, just to “get it out of your system.”

Sagittarius

  • Disappear as soon as the breakup is official, even if your ex was hoping to get a little closure.
  • Talk about how this breakup is actually exactly what you needed, and say it enough times that you start to believe it.
  • Book all the activities you put on hold because your now-ex wasn’t interested in coming with.

Capricorn

  • Say that both of you messed up, even if you secretly think it was all their fault.
  • Tell all your friends that you saw it coming and aren’t surprised at all by the breakup.
  • Work yourself to exhaustion at work or home projects just to stop the whirlwind that’s going on in your mind.

Aquarius

  • Distract yourself with work, work, and more work. You can’t get sad when you have so much work to do.
  • Endure everyone you know asking, “But are you actually fine?” since you’re showing virtually no reaction to the breakup.
  • Start a long single period because you’re emotionally exhausted when it comes to other people.

Pisces

  • Withdraw from everyone so you can lick your wounds in peace.
  • Watch and listen to all the sad shit that you reserve for the times that you just want to cry, cry, cry.
  • Finally let your friends take you out and boost your ego, because they’re the best at getting your mental prison.