The Zodiacs As The 12 Days Of Christmas
DAY ONE – PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE: CANCER
Cancer is the first day of Christmas because they leave us wanting so many answers. Why a partridge? Why a pear tree? But there they are just chilling on their branch fully content and self-actualized and not needing to explain a goddamn thing about themselves to any of us.
DAY TWO – TURTLE DOVES: AQUARIUS
Aquarius is the second day of Christmas because they are a symbol of peace. Things that come in pairs are things that have united over common ground, and Aquarius is always trying to bring people together and bridge the perceived gaps we see between ourselves and others.
DAY THREE – FRENCH HENS: TAURUS
Why is Taurus the third day of Christmas you ask? Because there’s no way in hell they’d be an Oklahoman hen or a Hoosier hen. Everyone knows France represents luxury and opulence, and it you haven’t tried French butter before, have you even lived?
DAY FOUR – CALLING BIRDS: LEO
Leos are the fourth day of Christmas because they roll deep, and in the few moments they find themselves alone during the day, they’re using technology to stay connected. A more modern version of this song would call for FaceTiming birds, but you get the jist.
DAY FIVE – GOLDEN RINGS: LIBRA
Libra is the fifth day of Christmas because the only thing better than putting a ring on it for Christmas is to put a ring on each of your fingers for Christmas. It takes a true Libran to look further than everyone else’s basic wants and needs.
DAY SIX – GEESE A-LAYING: SCORPIO
Scorpio is the seventh day of Christmas, because an egg laid today is a plan hatched in the near future. They’re always thinking ahead and keeping their intentions close to their chest. They protect their interests until the time is right, and they’re finally able to act.
DAY SEVEN – SWANS A-SWIMMING: ARIES
Aries is the seventh day of Christmas because they’re always on the move. To the average bystander, it looks like they simply glide across the water, but underneath the surface it takes crazy endurance to kick at the pace they do.
DAY EIGHT – MAIDS A-MILKING: CAPRICORN
Capricorn is the eight day of Christmas because they know how much work goes into the holidays, and dairy is a beloved staple. There’s no eggnog, no figgy pudding (okay, I actually don’t know what goes into a figgy pudding), no French butter for Taurus. They see what a disaster things turn into if no one is milking!
DAY NINE – LADIES DANCING: GEMINI
Gemini is the ninth day of Christmas because no one else was willing to choreograph this dance. Do you know how much work and rehearsal time it takes to get nine women to do the same dance move even semi-gracefully? Gemini already had a full plate but still agreed to this because Scorpio asked them.
DAY TEN – LORDS A-LEAPING: SAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius is the tenth day of Christmas because a-leaping must be the most unproductive activity on this list. The Lord they’re fondest of is Sir Scott Disick, and they miss the days he dressed like Patrick Bateman instead of a dad who can never seem leave his sweatpants at home.
DAY ELEVEN – PIPERS PIPING: PISCES
Pisces is the eleventh day of Christmas, because like the Pied Piper, they seem to possess magical qualities and occult-like knowledge of manipulation. Really, they’re just in “tune” with everyone’s emotional state and understand their motivations and how to use them to their advantage.
DAY TWELVE – DRUMMERS DRUMMING: VIRGO
And of course that leaves Virgo as the twelfth and final day of Christmas. As the drummer drumming they keep the rest of the signs on beat. They set the pace for the holidays and ensure no one steps out of line. Their precision and rigor are not to be challenged.